Hot of the press (thank you Phil for sending this) is a version of 'All things B&B' as a tribute to IKEA (or perhaps not!):
All things bright and u-ugly,
All features great and small.
All things self-assembly,
Ikea made them all.
Each little handy pencil,
Each brightly coloured bed.
Ikea made these structures,
For victims to lay their heads.
All things bright and u-ugly,
All features great and small.
All things self-assembly,
Ikea made them all.
The staff are beyond counting,
The Cafe's nearby.
Everything you need in,
The store that zombifies.
All things bright and u-ugly,
All features great and small.
All things self-assembly,
Ikea made them all.
The Christmas sale in winter,
The January clear out.
the broken vending ma-achines,
No one ever gets let out.
All things bright and u-ugly,
All features great and small.
All things self-assembly,
Ikea made them all.
There are adverts on the T.V,
With the slogon 'must end soon'.
All this brainwashing material,
Send many to their doom.
All things bright and terrible,
All features great and small.
All things self-assembly,
Ikea made them all.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Parodies of Worship Songs and Hymns
Many years a go I worked with a small group of society's outcasts. There were sex-workers (male and female), 'trans' (transexuals) and 'trannies' (transvestites) and a few (to put it mildly) weird (yet wonderful) members of this world that we inhabit.
This odd collection of people were a blessing and a joy (with more than a few moments of panic and concern)and although their sexual existences, which were often accompanied by alcohol of other abuse, and outward appearance were perhaps rejected by the world in general, and some Christians in particular, it was a time of blessing and healing for many of them (and me too!) and a time I look back on fondly.
One of the members of the group was a trannie who loved the chorus, "You shall be Joyce and I will be Glad'" as being something he could identify with.
He's left me with a permanent inability to sing the right words unless I concentrate and whenever I hear it I can't help but smile at the oddities God has in His box!
Another of my personal loves comes from Monty Python who gave their treatment to that dreadful dirge 'All things B&B':
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
Happy Saturday beloved :)
This odd collection of people were a blessing and a joy (with more than a few moments of panic and concern)and although their sexual existences, which were often accompanied by alcohol of other abuse, and outward appearance were perhaps rejected by the world in general, and some Christians in particular, it was a time of blessing and healing for many of them (and me too!) and a time I look back on fondly.
One of the members of the group was a trannie who loved the chorus, "You shall be Joyce and I will be Glad'" as being something he could identify with.
He's left me with a permanent inability to sing the right words unless I concentrate and whenever I hear it I can't help but smile at the oddities God has in His box!
Another of my personal loves comes from Monty Python who gave their treatment to that dreadful dirge 'All things B&B':
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spiky urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
Happy Saturday beloved :)
Woeful Worships, Awful Actions and Clumsy Chords
Here's some more nominations:
Woeful Worship Nominations (Hymns to popular tunes)
i. Why don't you give your life to Jesus? (Match of the Day theme)
ii. God is our strength and Refuge (Dambusters)
iii. Joyful, joyful (Ode to Joy)
Woeful Worship (it just is)
1. Call for the elders of the church (it just is!)
2. Come on a Sellotape, his gift of love, we will Sellotape (Sellotape and string for the King!) One of those 'starter' songs to wake the faithful and flog them into action!
3. Come, now is the time to worship (has to be the first hymn and is used to as 'wake up' call by too many worship bands and their organ grinder masters!)
Woeful Worship (Blinking Actions!)
Shine Jesus Shine (must have that naff 'shine on me' clap, clap, clap action to show the dead as living!)
Agree? Disagree? Have you, or a member of your family been affected by a poor worship song, ghastly actions of a terrible tune? Contact the BBC and tell us . . err, sorry, let me know and we can post it here :)
Woeful Worship Nominations (Hymns to popular tunes)
i. Why don't you give your life to Jesus? (Match of the Day theme)
ii. God is our strength and Refuge (Dambusters)
iii. Joyful, joyful (Ode to Joy)
Woeful Worship (it just is)
1. Call for the elders of the church (it just is!)
2. Come on a Sellotape, his gift of love, we will Sellotape (Sellotape and string for the King!) One of those 'starter' songs to wake the faithful and flog them into action!
3. Come, now is the time to worship (has to be the first hymn and is used to as 'wake up' call by too many worship bands and their organ grinder masters!)
Woeful Worship (Blinking Actions!)
Shine Jesus Shine (must have that naff 'shine on me' clap, clap, clap action to show the dead as living!)
Agree? Disagree? Have you, or a member of your family been affected by a poor worship song, ghastly actions of a terrible tune? Contact the BBC and tell us . . err, sorry, let me know and we can post it here :)
Friday, 5 November 2010
British politics, a dodgy candidate and a sonic boom!
For the first time in almost one hundred years a parliamentary candidate has been brought before an 'election court' to answer charges of misbehaviour during the recent election campaign. Not only has he been brought before the court but also found guilty of misrepresenting facts to take votes from whites who were fearful of his opponent'selling out to Muslims', refusing to condemn death threats and not keeping a promise to move into the constituency.
In a move which ruled that the General Election result was null and void, Mr Justice Nigel Teare and Mr Justice Griffith Williams said that the naught candidate, Mr Woolas, knowing the claims he made were untrue was guilty of illegal practices which contravened election law. The upshot is a by-election for the constituency and three years ban for Mr. Woolas (who will now seek a judicial review).
So, a bit of election history being made, but for me the most intriguing thing is perhaps the Labour Party and the way it has responded to the result and behaved since the election. |For instance, given the nature of the controversy, who on earth was stupid enough to make Mr. Woolas Shadow Immigration Minister? Fast enough to break the sound barrier (760mph at sea level)we have that Labour voice of reason and integrity (and women's champion), Harriet Harman) distancing her and her party from Mr. Woolas so quickly that the sonic boom could be heard across the floor of the lower house!
She doesn't think that this outcome is a reflection on the Labour Party, then again she didn't think there was a problem with it (the Labour Party) before the Election either - guess she would say that wouldn't she?
How fitting that it comes on the day we remember Guy Fawkes and the plot to destroy Parliament - didn't need gunpowder at all!
In a move which ruled that the General Election result was null and void, Mr Justice Nigel Teare and Mr Justice Griffith Williams said that the naught candidate, Mr Woolas, knowing the claims he made were untrue was guilty of illegal practices which contravened election law. The upshot is a by-election for the constituency and three years ban for Mr. Woolas (who will now seek a judicial review).
So, a bit of election history being made, but for me the most intriguing thing is perhaps the Labour Party and the way it has responded to the result and behaved since the election. |For instance, given the nature of the controversy, who on earth was stupid enough to make Mr. Woolas Shadow Immigration Minister? Fast enough to break the sound barrier (760mph at sea level)we have that Labour voice of reason and integrity (and women's champion), Harriet Harman) distancing her and her party from Mr. Woolas so quickly that the sonic boom could be heard across the floor of the lower house!
She doesn't think that this outcome is a reflection on the Labour Party, then again she didn't think there was a problem with it (the Labour Party) before the Election either - guess she would say that wouldn't she?
How fitting that it comes on the day we remember Guy Fawkes and the plot to destroy Parliament - didn't need gunpowder at all!
Stephen Altrogge on 'writing awful worship songs!'
I am eternally grateful to Stephen Altrogge's article entitled: "Seven ways to write an awful worship song!", which I have posted below:
So you finally learned to play the guitar and now you’re wondering, “How do I write a truly awful worship song?” You’ve come to the right place my friend. Here are some sure fire ways to write a truly horrible worship song.
Recycle A Love Song.
Write a song for your girlfriend. When she breaks up with you, convert it into a worship song. Be sure to change all uses of “girl” or “baby”.
Use Time Tested Rhymes.
Make sure that you rhyme “love” and “above” at least twice. The song becomes doubly awful if you can also incorporate the word “dove”. Example: “You sent your love from above, makes my heart feel like a pure white dove.” You get the point.
Be Vague About Your Theology
Make sure to avoid any theology at all costs. Don’t talk about atonement, wrath, or any other biblical concepts. You want your song to be all about feeling. Don’t let the mind get in the way. Repeat after me: “Worship is a warm feeling, sort of like heartburn, only better.”
Make the Song All About You
The main point of your song should be your experiences and how God makes you feel. Don’t bother with objective truth about God. I would suggest that you use the words “I” or “me” at least 12-15 times. For example, “I feel like singing, yes I feel like spinning, because You make me feel so good inside. Like it’s my birthday, but more awesome.”
Be Incredibly Poetic
If you can, muddy the waters with poetic phrases that don’t make much sense. Example: “Your love is like a warm summer’s breeze, washing over my heart like a crystal river.”
Use Well-Worn Musical Progressions
If you can, keep your music and melody boring. I would suggest that you use no more than four distinct notes in a song, so that by the time someone is done listening to it they want to scream. A worship scream, but a scream nonetheless. It also helps if you use the chords G, C, and D over and over.
Defend Your Song Like It’s Your Firstborn Child
Do not, I repeat, do not, let anyone make suggestions for improvement. Tell people that God laid the song on your heart. Tell people that you really want to preserve the artistic integrity of the song. Tell people that you already did the song at your campus ministry and that a revival broke out. Don’t take advice from anyone.
There you have it. Seven ways to write a terrible worship song. You can thank me later."
He finishes by asking: What else would you add to the list?
So here's your chance to nominate what you regard as awful worship songs, terrible techniques for writing more of the same and some of those actions that some people just have to engage in
Here's a couple of suggestions to start with:
1. 'Cast your burdens' - the reasons being that Jesus can't be any higher, satan can't be any lower and it's a naff 145 (C, F, G) chord arrangement (which it seems the world lives by) and the actions are naff too!
2. "Blesséd be the name of the Lord' is cool until the the righteous start running in or being towers! For me, tends to take the gloss off of things.
So you finally learned to play the guitar and now you’re wondering, “How do I write a truly awful worship song?” You’ve come to the right place my friend. Here are some sure fire ways to write a truly horrible worship song.
Recycle A Love Song.
Write a song for your girlfriend. When she breaks up with you, convert it into a worship song. Be sure to change all uses of “girl” or “baby”.
Use Time Tested Rhymes.
Make sure that you rhyme “love” and “above” at least twice. The song becomes doubly awful if you can also incorporate the word “dove”. Example: “You sent your love from above, makes my heart feel like a pure white dove.” You get the point.
Be Vague About Your Theology
Make sure to avoid any theology at all costs. Don’t talk about atonement, wrath, or any other biblical concepts. You want your song to be all about feeling. Don’t let the mind get in the way. Repeat after me: “Worship is a warm feeling, sort of like heartburn, only better.”
Make the Song All About You
The main point of your song should be your experiences and how God makes you feel. Don’t bother with objective truth about God. I would suggest that you use the words “I” or “me” at least 12-15 times. For example, “I feel like singing, yes I feel like spinning, because You make me feel so good inside. Like it’s my birthday, but more awesome.”
Be Incredibly Poetic
If you can, muddy the waters with poetic phrases that don’t make much sense. Example: “Your love is like a warm summer’s breeze, washing over my heart like a crystal river.”
Use Well-Worn Musical Progressions
If you can, keep your music and melody boring. I would suggest that you use no more than four distinct notes in a song, so that by the time someone is done listening to it they want to scream. A worship scream, but a scream nonetheless. It also helps if you use the chords G, C, and D over and over.
Defend Your Song Like It’s Your Firstborn Child
Do not, I repeat, do not, let anyone make suggestions for improvement. Tell people that God laid the song on your heart. Tell people that you really want to preserve the artistic integrity of the song. Tell people that you already did the song at your campus ministry and that a revival broke out. Don’t take advice from anyone.
There you have it. Seven ways to write a terrible worship song. You can thank me later."
He finishes by asking: What else would you add to the list?
So here's your chance to nominate what you regard as awful worship songs, terrible techniques for writing more of the same and some of those actions that some people just have to engage in
Here's a couple of suggestions to start with:
1. 'Cast your burdens' - the reasons being that Jesus can't be any higher, satan can't be any lower and it's a naff 145 (C, F, G) chord arrangement (which it seems the world lives by) and the actions are naff too!
2. "Blesséd be the name of the Lord' is cool until the the righteous start running in or being towers! For me, tends to take the gloss off of things.
Christian Brands? - Swedenborgs (The New Church)
At first I was a bit concerned that this had:
a. Something to do with worshipping that great tennis icon, Bjorn Born (who was after all Swedish), or
b. The followers of that great retail outlet, IKEA, that great shop which sells everything from self-assembly furniture to food, and I've even heard tell of people getting brides from it too! (not sure about that, but I understand there is empirical evidence!).
But, of course, I was wrong (sigh):
Origins: England and America
Began in: 1778 and 1792 respectively
Founder: Emanuel Swedenborg (or more accurately, the followers of Emanuel Swedenborg)
Membership:c. 2,000
Bible: It's there but needs to be interpreted (as Swedenborg did, word-by-word) to discover its true 'inner meaning'. OT contains the pentateuch (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Number and deuteronomy), Joshua, Judges, Samuel, Kings, Psalms and the Prophets from Isaiah to Malachi, NT limited to the four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and Revelation.
Beliefs:
Don't see Jesus' death as having any efficacy. With regard to the Trinity, God is one person, with elements of the Father (infinite Love), Son (infinite Wisdom), and the Holy Spirit (His presence and work in us) and all are found in Jesus Christ, who is The God. He exists in both the spiritual and physical worlds and is the embodiment of a Trinity of Love, Wisdom and Energy.
Memory is what remains of a person after death and after death the, now, spiritual beings carrying living out their lives in heaven (just as on earth). the dying are aided by angels into death and then, after a few days of resting after the ordeal, they just carry on as if nothing much has happened - merely a translation from one for to another.
No real heaven or hell, merely choices and satan doesn't exist - but is either the group name for evil spirits or for our own, indestructible, desire to do wrong.
This means there is no eternal punishment and even if in your own hell, there is the potential to progress such that you can rise up out of it. Salvation is not a Christian thing, but open to all through their own efforts and merits.
Regarding the spiritual world, like an onion there are many layers which make go to make it - I assume that the outer is one extreme (i.e. heaven) and the inner the other (i.e hell).
The cross did not atone for the sins of mankind and although God did come to earth as Jesus to heal a broken world He is now present in all through love.
God wants us to be happy and to be love and by following His word, and serving others, life and love are found. We have our own freedom to find our way and we begin living heaven here on earth (what a nice thought - I rather like the man, een though I couldn't support him!) through love, reason and consideration for others
Are they Christian?: Well of course it's not Christian.
A very interesting theological and philosophical approach and one that I can see has some attraction (not that much as there's less that 2,000 of them) if you ignore the 'Christian' bit.
When I was a small child I always used to look at the window of the Swedenborgs (near the british Museum) and wonder what they were. I guess they could be subtitled, "The Much Reduced Bible Company". Now I know :)
a. Something to do with worshipping that great tennis icon, Bjorn Born (who was after all Swedish), or
b. The followers of that great retail outlet, IKEA, that great shop which sells everything from self-assembly furniture to food, and I've even heard tell of people getting brides from it too! (not sure about that, but I understand there is empirical evidence!).
But, of course, I was wrong (sigh):
Origins: England and America
Began in: 1778 and 1792 respectively
Founder: Emanuel Swedenborg (or more accurately, the followers of Emanuel Swedenborg)
Membership:c. 2,000
Bible: It's there but needs to be interpreted (as Swedenborg did, word-by-word) to discover its true 'inner meaning'. OT contains the pentateuch (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Number and deuteronomy), Joshua, Judges, Samuel, Kings, Psalms and the Prophets from Isaiah to Malachi, NT limited to the four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and Revelation.
Beliefs:
Don't see Jesus' death as having any efficacy. With regard to the Trinity, God is one person, with elements of the Father (infinite Love), Son (infinite Wisdom), and the Holy Spirit (His presence and work in us) and all are found in Jesus Christ, who is The God. He exists in both the spiritual and physical worlds and is the embodiment of a Trinity of Love, Wisdom and Energy.
Memory is what remains of a person after death and after death the, now, spiritual beings carrying living out their lives in heaven (just as on earth). the dying are aided by angels into death and then, after a few days of resting after the ordeal, they just carry on as if nothing much has happened - merely a translation from one for to another.
No real heaven or hell, merely choices and satan doesn't exist - but is either the group name for evil spirits or for our own, indestructible, desire to do wrong.
This means there is no eternal punishment and even if in your own hell, there is the potential to progress such that you can rise up out of it. Salvation is not a Christian thing, but open to all through their own efforts and merits.
Regarding the spiritual world, like an onion there are many layers which make go to make it - I assume that the outer is one extreme (i.e. heaven) and the inner the other (i.e hell).
The cross did not atone for the sins of mankind and although God did come to earth as Jesus to heal a broken world He is now present in all through love.
God wants us to be happy and to be love and by following His word, and serving others, life and love are found. We have our own freedom to find our way and we begin living heaven here on earth (what a nice thought - I rather like the man, een though I couldn't support him!) through love, reason and consideration for others
Are they Christian?: Well of course it's not Christian.
A very interesting theological and philosophical approach and one that I can see has some attraction (not that much as there's less that 2,000 of them) if you ignore the 'Christian' bit.
When I was a small child I always used to look at the window of the Swedenborgs (near the british Museum) and wonder what they were. I guess they could be subtitled, "The Much Reduced Bible Company". Now I know :)
You Can't Buy Happiness!
These are the words of a retired welder who, after winning $10.9m basically gave it all away to "churches, fire departments, cemeteries, the Red Cross and hospitals'".
After giving some to their own family, they just put the money ($10.2m) where the need was!
Why?
The answer is shocking and so counter-cultural that it's (for some) outrageous and yet for many others, absolutely beautiful:
"We haven't bought one thing. That's because there is nothing that we need."
I encounter so many people who tell me that they only do the lottery to help others and that, of course, the Church would be a major beneficiary should God just happen to select them as the recipients of the treble-rollover of £m.
In a world where possessions possess us and the need to have the large LCD screen (what? You've got plasma! HD!! 3D!!! 175"!!!!), the latest number plate (what do you mean it's changed again!) and all the other entrapments of life (no they're not essentials) it is so refreshing to see someone so normal that they're weird when considered against the consumerism of our world.
A wise thought for the day:
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?"
You can't buy happiness - but you can accept it as a free gift from the hands of Christ.
Pax
After giving some to their own family, they just put the money ($10.2m) where the need was!
Why?
The answer is shocking and so counter-cultural that it's (for some) outrageous and yet for many others, absolutely beautiful:
"We haven't bought one thing. That's because there is nothing that we need."
I encounter so many people who tell me that they only do the lottery to help others and that, of course, the Church would be a major beneficiary should God just happen to select them as the recipients of the treble-rollover of £m.
In a world where possessions possess us and the need to have the large LCD screen (what? You've got plasma! HD!! 3D!!! 175"!!!!), the latest number plate (what do you mean it's changed again!) and all the other entrapments of life (no they're not essentials) it is so refreshing to see someone so normal that they're weird when considered against the consumerism of our world.
A wise thought for the day:
“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?"
You can't buy happiness - but you can accept it as a free gift from the hands of Christ.
Pax
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Living in a world of salesmen!
It seems to me that more and more I find myself encountering people who provide me with extremely convincing answers to questions. In fact upon first hearing, it is easy to believe what they are saying and it is only later, when in discussion with others, or reflecting upon what has been said that you realise that you've been effectively been sold a line!
The challenge that those who call themselves 'Christian' are also called thus:
"Don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions.
You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious,(or misrepresenting the truth) it becomes less true.
Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong." Matt 5:33 - 37
Those of us who are called to leadership within the Christian Church are called to exhibit even more integrity, for if we don't what model do those new believers have before them?
Let's hope we are!
The challenge that those who call themselves 'Christian' are also called thus:
"Don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions.
You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious,(or misrepresenting the truth) it becomes less true.
Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong." Matt 5:33 - 37
Those of us who are called to leadership within the Christian Church are called to exhibit even more integrity, for if we don't what model do those new believers have before them?
Let's hope we are!
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