I had to explain that I was conducting a funeral, not appearing as the star turn in a cabaret. If they wanted to hear me sing (solo) then they needed to pay the MU rates and I'd do a set or two.
"Ahem. Hi, here's a little song I wrote a couple of years back when I was on tour with Cliff . . . " (lights dim and I sing, unaccompanied, the 'Old Rugged Cross').
No, I din't think so!
Still the service itself was superb and the family, as is usually the case, were a lovely bunch (with a superb voice in the congregation to make my day sublime and make up for the fact that I wasn't up for some gigging).
It's funny but I often find that when I turn up to do a service the assembled masses (of people if you're low church) expect me to do a number of things. These include moving the 'altar' rails (or ir reformed 'table' rails), vacuum the crumbs from the 'kiddie's service' (I kid you not!) and at one service I was asked to move a baby burco boiler from a vestry to the back of the church building (an easy task made all the more interesting as it was not only full but boiling too!). When I pointed out to the lady in charge of the tea and coffee that the boiler was full and 'hot' she merely replied that she knew that, that's why she wanted me to move it!
I sometimes wonder whether people have mistaken me for Jesus' stunt double. For instance:
At one service a woman came in from the Trefoil Guild (It's a club for former pixies who have looked into a lake and 'seen themselves' as I understand it!) and demanded that I take something down immediately. Fortunately she continued with a clarification or else I would have undoubtedly found myself in the dock (I was having one of 'those' days!).
What she wanted was the standard that was to be found in a chapel within the church building. It wasn't until I entered the room that I realised that it was sicking out of a wall about ten feet in the air. Undaunted by the height she led me to a pair of steps which she quickly pointed me too and asked me politely ("Hurry up, my husband's waiting outside in the car!" Don't know why, he could have brought it in for a services, I'd even change the oli and water!!!). to expedite matters.
To make a short story longer, I found myself balancing on top of these wretched steps swinging from the mount that held the standard. Eventually (about three hours or so my shaking legs told me) I got the thing out and passed it to the woman who, without even a smile, left with the thing.
Enter one of the one of the parishioners who asked what I was doing in the chapel standing on a pair of steps. "I'm, trying to get closer to God," I replied. To this day I think they believed me!
Moving on I found myself engaged in a service where we prayed as 'Our Saviour Tortoise!'
Don't you just love the things clergy say.
One of the little kids at a school I regularly visit told me he'd been to a service where the Vicar had asked them to pray with one mind and accordion! Must have been looking for a new music team.
Pax
ps. Thanks to Thumper_Mark who reminded me of this great Larson cartoon (I have all his 'Far Side' books from old):
