Journal: Still working on Monday's listrd

Halfway through the week and still wondering about Monday's stuff!

Been an amazing pastoral week thus far and today was something of a challenge for a number of reasons - but it highlights the diversity of the 'being in ministry' pastoral role; and what it means to care for the sheep.

I'm often surprised as the ability of people to be wIcked, and saddened by the things others will do to in their pursuit of serving themselves. The potential for people to be good is made real in the majority of the people I meet. The realisation that people are generally nice is something that always cheers and yet that small percentage that are not, still wounds.

I was reflecting today on how I wished I had the modern day equivalent of a sling and five stone to take on the giant before me. I recalled a lecture by police officer on security many years back: motive, opportunity and means was the mantra they repeated as they brought a PowerPoint screen full of caution and challenge. Today as I considered those words and reflected on some of the imprecatory elements of the OT; the calling upon God to 'get the wIcked whilst they still lived' as once they'd died they were home safe. Virtue, and vice, bring their own reward - I believe that - but there's something satisfying in seeing the wicked get theirs in your presence.

My Father used to say that of his many goals in life, after 'be happy', were outliving his enemies and dying owing money. I don't know about the second but the 'outliving' bit certainly shaped and coloured who he was - and yet there was never any need to have harboured this debilitating attitude. Worse still, those he had separated himself from continued to live a happy life without him, undoubtedly a bit sad at the empty chair at gatherings early on but oblivious to it as the years past. Meanwhile, the separation from them being family wounded Him at every step. I see a man I know who lives like my Father did. He's a sad, almost shambling, shell of a man, almost Gollum like; a man whose hope is not in the God who died for him but in a forlorn hope that 'luck' might bring him something that supplies his needs and make him ... I was going to use the word 'happy' but think for him that won't be the same 'happy' I know :-(

So much to reflect upon as the motive of 'self' is made obvious, the means by which we can serve ourselves is shown in our ability to be wicked, cruel, spiteful, scheming and worse - the 'why' and 'how' of the turnstile to a life of being everything God has created us not to be - raise their ugly heads.  Which leaves the 'who': the sheep which stray from the shelter of the plain and the enfenced place under the,direct gaze of the shepherd into the presence of wolves.

The human shepherd cannot be everywhere and as the sheep roam there are predators, natural threats and the realities of life and death as found in illness and disease. 

How do I keep my vulnerable sheep under my gaze without restricting them and denying them their liberty?

Without trusting our kids to go out and live well we deny our faith in who they are, managing and cotrolljng their lives and refusing to let them live lives of their own. We give them life, care for them and then let them make their own way, being there if they need us, standing back to see whether the wings will open and cause them to soar or the unthinkable might happen. It is one of the may rites of passage!

Cherries on the cake today were found in the shape of home visits - with the niggle of those still to be visited for the first time this year as a stone in the shoe - and they were a blessing (for me and those Imvisied I pray) in a tough day. But isn't this what we should be doing with every act, every step?

Shouldn't we be proclaiming 'family' and of belonging together as one in all our actions and in our payers?

Lord, I pray for the vulnerable sheep - those whose desires take them into the company of wolves. Help me to be a shepherd who cares well for his flock, being watchful and aware of their weaknesses, follies, challenges and needs; never leaving them to the perils unspoorted and yet not controlling them such that they become exhubitts in a zoo!

Lord, I pray for the damaged sheep; those whose feeble legs, shaking hands, broken hearts and unsteady minds gift them the potential to be a tasty morsel in the journey of life. Help me to stand for them, to stand with them, to kneel over them.

A tough day in which I give thanks for your love.

1. Use me well tomorrow - bless my rest now I pray,

 

Journal:Where did that day go?

Talk about the best ladies plans - today went exactly as it wasn't planned and before I knew it everything was everywhere and it was ranks as one of the hardest days I have doing this ministry thing!

As priest and pastor we are called to watch over the sheep and to keep them safe, but the wickedness of some people and the potential for sheep to stray from the greenest grass and head for the rocky places presents a challenge for us. Today I found myself leaving the ninety-nine sheep whilst I headed off to rescue that one which had become caught up in the brambles. It was like going out on a cold, wet, day with high winds and poor terrain to unravel the fleece from the thicket and set the poor thing free - with the fear that it would return to the promise of whatever enticed it again. But we can only bring them back into the fold and trust that they will remain safe, resisting the call to wander off and the enticing promise of things that look better than they really are.

Meanwhile around me I had mental illness, cloaked by other concerns, prowling and seeking ways to snatch other sheep, more illness, the problems that getting older brings and so much more it makes your head hurt to think of them. There were those who make demands and those who hide in the shadows and hide their, often more demanding and challenging, situations - the latter recognised but left on the plain to be dealt with on another day.

Alongside everything else today there were glimpses of the 'abused turned abuser' sheep - today these were not one of my flock and yet I can leave no sheep to their own folly, for their demise leaves them rotting, and poisoning, the same stream that sustains others! I struggle with sin in myself and others and yet it is the potential for any of us to become predator, or worse still a 'Judas Sheep', and become an agent of death (spiritual gather than physical - but it's still death). The old man in us sometimes simply refuses to be put to death as we cling to the world rather than look to the Christ for what we need.

But all we can do is our best and trust that rescued, our sheep will learn, and if they don't?

Well we keep on tryIng to protect them!

Lord, I pray for the sheep:

That the predators would be kept from the door and the sheep would remain in the fold,

That the shepherds would be faithful and attentive, applying balm to the wounded and rescuing the lost,

That the sheep would be safe from without, and within,  and would hear the head Shepherd's voice and follow Him,

That we would have the wisdom to follow what is true and to live as you would have us live, using the brains we have been given, the hearts we have had restored, and the Christ who leads us on.

For the skills and abilities I have used today I can but praise you. We walk this path and we become who we are by experience, your indwelling Spirit and by desire. Grant all of us the desire to look, smell and be like You I pray.

And tomorrow? Bless those whom I will engage with; those with whom I will feast on in the Eucharistic triumph, those with whom I will fellowship, and those I will be called to bring back yet again. Keep me safe, and well, and fill me with Your healing and love that I might be a faithful shepherd.