Church? Is like a box of chocolates...

Bringing before you a slightly modified quote from Forrest Gump: 'My momma always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get,' I was talking to someone today about Church and the various varieties, flavours and experiences that it brings to us all.

Many years ago, not long before 'senior school' beckoned, I can remember one of my Aunts bringing round some gifts; one of which was a box of chocolates which bore an image of a kitten. I found the image on the box rather lovely and imagined just how lovely the contents must be if the box looked that good. But I was warned by my Mum that they were to be saved for a special occasion and so they sat on the shelf in the kitchen waiting for a suitable day, and someone special enough to have one, arrive.

And at last that day came!

They were brought down from the shelf and unwrapped and offered to whoever it was who had been considered to have been worthy of such an honour. I couldn't wait! I stood there waiting my turn, which being the youngest and therefore most insignificant of the bunch meant last, to select one of the wonderfully shining chocolates for myself.

As I was about to bite into the treasure which had at last been made mine there was a rather sharp  'crack'  which came from the direction of one of the 'grown ups'. Silence fell and a broken denture and two bits of the 'unmelted' confectionery were ejected in one swift spit (so much for being the favoured guest!).

Upon inspection it transpired that the 'sweets' were in fact shop window 'dummies' made of plaster of Paris painted to look the part (which was why they looked so shiny and appealing I guess)! My aunt had bought them off a market trader who she (if I recall correctly) had never seen before - no surprise there I guess!



But the more interesting thing for me as I recall the goings on is that this is what so many people find when they encounter the Church for themselves. Take away the pretty wrappings, heralding something so delightful, and what you find is at times just not fit for consumption! 

What was promised and what was delivered  turned out to be poles apart  - and this is something many people I chat with love to tell me in the following format:

"Ooh, we went to 'St Namewitheld's' and found ourselves:

i. Totally ignored,

ii. sighed at because the kids were making a noise,

iii. standing up when they sat down and vice versa,

iv. totally confused by person who read something at the front  (think he was called 'Mark!')

v. asked to move because we were in someone's seat,

vi. bored,

vii. looking forward to coming again next week,

viii.  ........... add your own comment.

Now I would like to challenge you with this blog entry to do a couple of things:

THE FIRST THING
    Read the 'Ooh, we went ...' and decide (honestly) which of the eight responses (yes, you     
    can add your own) you would select for your church (or better still get someone else to do 
    that for you) and then collect them and discuss them with your church council.

THE SECOND THING
    Enlist the help of someone who is unknown to the church family (a 'Mystery Worshipper') 
    and get them to come on their own or with others  (a noisy baby is fun if you can find 
    someone to bring one) and get them to give you a report which answers the following 
    questions:

• When was the service? (date and time)

• Were you greeted or welcomed by people?

• How many in?

• What were your first impressions?

• Before the service started .. I experienced, noted ...

• How easy was it to keep up with the service? (Leader, hymn books, projector, etc.)

• Comfort factor (warm/cool, comfortable, could see and hear stuff?)

• Sermon? (length, theme, content, boring, interesting, Zzzz? rate from 0-10)

• Music (choir, music group. What style? rate from 0-10)

• What was good about the experience?

• What was bad about the experience?

• Would you go again (or recommend to a friend?)

• What did you find out about: the people, their ministry, vision, aspirations?

• After the service ended .. I experienced, noted ...

• If any, who came and engaged with you

• The high and low points of the day were?

And having done that, bring these along with the self-assessed paperwork and start to see whether what you have is likely to break the teeth of those who come through your doors (and your hearts).

We'll be doing this where I am again soon - it is worth doing as you'll learn so much when you see yourself through the eyes of others.

I'm a mystery visitor: A welcoming Church?

As is my usual practice when on holiday I found myself visiting the local congregation looking forward to enjoy being in the pews rather than up the front. This time the venue was a rather charming little Norman church which had nine regulars and another twenty visiting for a baptism (the service: Believe and trust (New Patterns of Worship). I was looking forward to getting a feel for the way that the people in that place did church and to see how they engaged with visitors.

I entered the building and fought my way past the regulars who were far too busy talking amongst themselves to hand me a hymn book or service sheet; eventually getting one from someone who was getting one for a friend. I managed to sit in a pew without being engaged with or even acknowledged.

Then (five minutes late to make me feel at home I suspect) a disembodied voice from somewhere announced the hymn (from the Ancient and Modern)  - well the announced the number, not the book so I started with the newer book before returning to the older A&M - and I sang (pity the others didn't - felt like a soloist!!).

The hymn ends and the greeting follows ('The Lord be with you...') with the regulars standing and the visitors for the baptism siting uncomfotyably (no guidance given - but eventually they too stand because the others are doing so, just in time for the people at the front who were standing to sit!). The cleric enthuses over the ' very special morning for the church as there is a baptism taking place and to make the point rushes to the back and, grabbing the candidate, makes a point of showing the child to everyone.

The there are a couple of readings, neither of which are announced (but as there's no pew bibles it wouldn't have mattered as there were no bibles in evidence anywhere anyway) BUT we were told that the custom was that we stood for the Gospel . The people at the front stood (no acclamation) and then without any response (just me and the priest saying the final 'Praise to you O Christ') they sat whilst the sermon was read verbatim (including the joke - which might have been good when writing it but poor when reheated and reread perhaps) -  there was mention made of ' good lectionary readings' but I don't suppose anyone except the cleric, me and perhaps one or two of the faithful knew what was meant.

In case you're wondering, the readings were: Ephesians 4.8 -17  and   John 6 24-35

The Sermon  - the main thrust being that we were not canibals and having Jesus makes us happy, full and content - lasted just on five minutes (with added short closing prayer) before we sang hymn 113 (great is thy faithfulness - from the new book) after which the family we beckoned to the font (at least there was a Paschal Candle in place - unlit, but it was there).

Just like a proper Anglican baptism the responses throughout were barely audible and almost non-existent at the Decision. Interestingly, in the light of my epiclesis discussion the Chrism featured oil and the sign of the cross on the child's head. The Prayer over water was a sequence of almost soto voce words and the priest splashing the water about throughout the whole escapade - no fear of having an epiclesis (in fact nowhere other than in the chrismation did making the sign of the cross appear anywhere) - then the child is baptised and the peace is reached and yet, strangely, shared by none of those present (expected a hymn but prayers arrived instead - no real direction - they just happened and no one (other than me that is) responded with the obviously required 'hear our prayer; I did enjoy the Prayer for 'the awkward folk we know'

Then we sang a song (from a sheet in the booklet) whilst the plate was passed round (my only encounter with anyone from the place - although there was no eye contact) and the then despite feeling rather Puginesque with a multitude of candles on the altar and stations of the cross surrounding me I was surprised to find that none of what my training incumbent called 'mechanical actions' appeared throughout the consecration. But then, oddly, when communicating themselves and the server, the priest suddenly elevated the chalice and the bread before consuming any of it! The white stole and the green stuff on the altar set each other off nicely!

Not a single soul came forward from the baptism party and where I expected something like a post communion prayer to appear I found the organist strike up a hymn (turned out to be ancient & modern 367: a toe-tapper from 1857: Lord of glory, who hast bought us!). Perhaps unsurprisingly no one (including me) sings and I find myself surprised again as the blessing whizzes past and we sing another hymn from A7M and the deal is done.

Well almost - as if suddenly remembering the candle bit the Paschal candle is lit and a candle is given to the candidate (care of Dad) and everyone rushes off. 

No tea and biccies.

No conversation.

No people anywhere!

Just the organist playing various pieces in an attempt to get us to vacate the place.

Try as I might to get any of the regulars to chat they were all to busy (or gone) for me to find out about the place and so I left as I arrived, unengaged with and just a little sadder to boot. I did find someone outside who I collared but they had no answers as they weren't on the PCC. They suggested that I should ask one of the wardens (names in the porch apparently).

Outside the baptismal party were taking loads of photos and enjoying the big family occasion that the Church family had been unable to provide and I left singing the praises of the Reverend Snodgrass* who, in a parody of the Beatle's Eleanor Rigby 'wiping their hands as they walked from the font what did they want? '

Seriously, is it any wonder the ageing and declining church congregations with their erasatz folk religious rites of passage, their begging bowl mentality and their enclosed community reality are in a terminal state?

I went in casual, holiday, clothing to see what others visiting on spec might find and left feeling most unencouraged and unengaged with and as if I had no place, or even right, to be in that place. What makes this worse is that next week I'll be trying another church in another location: Lord have mercy upon me!

Making people welcome - Do we?

I'm sure we all like to think of ourselves as a welcoming church but is this really true?

One of the people who came to a colleague's church last weekend told them that they'd tried another in the area and managed, even though the congregation was relatively small (around twenty) they managed to enter, take part in the service, and leave without being greeted or in any way engaged with. Knowing the dogcollar in that church I know that they would be saddened and disturbed by such a report and yet, also knowing the church (and having heard this regarding them before), I am confident that there is some truth in it.

Every year we have a visit from a mystery worshipper (MW) and this has proved really helpful for the church in that it highlights the things that we are doing well and brings to our attention the things we are missing. 

We like to think of ourselves as a welcoming and friendly bunch and yet, on one such visit, the MW managed to enter the building and visiting the toilet first, creep in during the melee at the back where Christmas cards were being sorted out, and sit down unnoticed. And then they were greeted by the people around them and engaged with and made to feel welcome.

BUT

It shows that, because we have someone at the door in the worship area rather that at the 'front door', we can miss that first, perhaps all-important, greeting.

Other thing we have been marked down for were the street signs (kids and council issue), the bins being out front (but there's nowhere else for them to go) and the 'basic biscuits' (their words) that were on offer (Jaffa cakes last week - Lent, never heard of it . . and yes, I know Sundays are outside of Lent!).

So, back to the latest report of not being engaged with, welcomed or waved off. How on earth can we do such a thing and hope to see our congregations grow? Some might say that that's a problem with evensong, for I can believe someone crept in, did and left without engagement at a non-Eucharistic service but (always a 'but'):

I have recently heard of someone who came to a Sunday parish communion and although they were given a sheet for the service and welcomed, were not spoken to or otherwise engaged with (other than a handshake at the peace) until they left. At the end, people vanished out back or sat in groups and chatted and they, after sitting in their seat for five minutes were totally ignored! And this is in a church where numbers are falling and the billed strategy is welcome and growth. Perhaps this could explain the continued fall in numbers.

So here's a plea: Please have a think about being a welcoming church. This doesn't mean that you engage the use of the dreaded 'Welcome Team' with their cheesy and often false-feeling pinning down of any unfortunate who happens to enter the building. What I mean is that we should BE a welcoming church rather than have a welcoming team. What's the point of doing the cheesy smile and then sitting the person amongst people who are interested only in their own little clique or circle friends?

One lady who visited us came because she'd tried another church and they were just a little too welcoming. They felt like they'd been assigned an escort who stuck with them throughout the service, the after service tea/coffee/squash and a biscuit thing and even walked with her to their car. they felt pressurised and that the whole thing was false, for having been assigned a minder everyone else ignored her.

Sadly she didn't stay as she found us a bit cramped - too many people in such a small space :-(

Why don't you ask a friend to come and visit your church and report back or perhaps, like us, you have such a scheme in the diocese.

The first thing a visitor remembers is the welcome - everything else merely adds (or detracts) from the church experience.

How's your?

Mystery Worshippers and a welcoming church

I wonder how many of us in churches have thought of enlisting the services of a 'mystery worshipper'? The diocese I find myself in offers this wonderful service and it is something that I can recommend as a most valuable exercise.

Thus far we have generally come out well in the reports that follow a visit and what we were told was not only pleasing (apparently we are a warm, welcoming and accessible bunch) but also help us raise our game in areas that we had missed (which were all generally building related).

One of the biggest problems that churches face with regard to welcoming new people is that we regulars tend to smooth out the rough edges and lines blur after a while so that what we see is not what a visitor to our building might see at first glance. The same goes for our services and it is here, especially it seems in the sharing of the peace, that what we see as merely 'being friendly and accepting' can be interpreted by visitors as a complete and utter madhouse. Comfort zones are a personal item and these can be trampled upon with a hearty hug and a holy kiss, after all there are many for whom even eye-contact of a handshake is a cause fo concern.

So why not find someone to be your mystery worshipper and have a go at looking at you church and the services they have through the eyes of a visitor? You might be pleasantly surprised (and better still, so might any visitor as a result of what you find).

A little video which makes you laugh a bit (and hopefully think a lot):



Happy Friday