Journal: Palliative care and beyond

I find myself engaged with end of life situations on a regular, almost daily at times, basis and each is as individual as the people involved with it. The blessing is that few die alone, the curse is the pain and guilt, the missed opportunities, the leaving others behind as only one person goes through the turnstile at the end of it all!

Recently I chatted to a lovely lady who has been working in a hospice 'up North' for a number of years; and it was an enabling and inspiring thing as she told me of her working life and the people she worked with. The shock came in the comment that whilst it was a great environment to work in, there were days when she would gladly swap her well-funded, well-equipped, workplace for the other end of the scale NHS just to see a patient walk out having been mended rather than ended! This was something that hit home as I generally get to visit loads of people and expect just that - not that I don't get my fair share of terminal bedside hours.

It was also a bit of an eye-opener to be told that whilst everyone in the place she worked was committed to the job they were doing, it was - all things considered - a job. She spoke of how the volunteers and the environment gave people some idea that everyone in her workplace were some sort of saintly people, "But I work with people who are there because it's a good job with good hours, pay and environment. To paraphrase her comments, "We have our good days and bad, the days when we clock in and can't wait to clock off again, and days when we are the people the customers like to think we are. We are human!"

There are times when we all need to be able to step back and 'just do the job' without placing all of ourselves on the roulette wheel. It's something I'm rubbish at and I wonder if it's something I need to learn. That said, like the nurse in the hospice context, people have this image of the kindly, compassionate and caring cleric: Totally committed and willing to walk the extra mile, giving all of themselves and more to their role. And they are disappointed when their expectations prove to be fals.

The task is to be true to ourselves whilst also maintaining an integrity. To minister God's Grace whilst  living in it ourselves. To do what is needed without destroying ourselves or our families or denying the care others need whilst perhaps denying their expectations. Whilst denying our own expectations and the excesses they might create in us and others.

The knock at the door on a day off because the person knows you'll be at home combatted by telling people that the vicarage is not a workplace but a home and they aren't welcome; something that living over the shop, and the person I am, could never do. The denial of the expectation of others because, like the nurse said, "It's just a job at the end of the day!"

I work alongside someone who is available on a 7*24*365 basis and whilst I recognise that I'm not able to keep those hours, I also realise that stuff happens in that timeframe too - and that means that I'm 'on call' to meet those needs - providing triage and when necessary being out of the door - because we deal with life (and death) in all its richness.

The observation that 'things can usually wait until the morning," and the idea that there are few emergencies that can't wait until the morning, whilst perhaps reasonably true in the final analysis, is a bit flawed in my opinion. Tell that to the mentally ill parishoner who calls at 02:00 in a flat spin and panicking. What they need is a voice at the other end - it might take five minutes, it could take two hours  (and it does some days) but an answerphone and office hours don't just deny expectations (which apparently I have wrongly created) but create something weak and destructive too!

Now that's an invitation to a punch up - isn't it?

Lord, today has been a tricky and challenging day - the people before me .have been a blessing; a fragile and fragrant flower found in a shell scrape of sucking mud amidst the carnage of combat - the  demands and the skirmishes taking their toll. But you have been with me, my rod and my staff, my comforter, my guide and friend. Your love has fed me, forgiven me and encouraged me to press on.

For those in end of life situations - the terminal and the bereaved - may I shine your light of hope and love.

For the mentally ill, may I be their rock and anchor - that those in the storms may be held fast whilst those in the quicksand might find their feet on safe ground - as you are for me.

For the homeless, may I have the wisdom to act, and to hold fast, that needs are met and the right things done in the right way.

Lord, for a challenging day, with pain. Sadness, loss and triumphs too - what can I do but thank and bless you for all You as in, for and too me?

Short periods of boredom insterspersed with . . .

. . . So many blessings, it make sure your head spin!

Today started at twenty to four with, as always, my daily Office. This was quickly followed by a bit of a read and then, unusually for me, an nap as the wretched cold began to bite again (no, it's not man 'flu').

Woke up and did some admin' (we live in difficult times indeed) and then OFF to breakfast meeting with the architect to discuss potential building plans. All very exciting with the prospect of servicing and transforming the community we serve becoming just a little closer. So many questions to answer before we get planning permission but it feels like the project it is on the way to become real. Hallelujah or what?

On to next meeting, arriving later than I would have liked, where we looked at remembrance and related issues and then, another rush and into another meeting, this time about law and policing and helping the community.y to understand the facts and feel safer because of it! No sooner has this meeting ended than I find myself rushing back to set up our 'Kid's Club' work: 120 minutes of exquisite joy or amazing pain depending on how they are doing. Unbeaten at table football (misspent youth) and pool (even more misspent) and taught two young ladies how to play Battleship's too!  The relationships we have and the opportunities for conversation with them on life the universe and everything is wonderful.

Think there might have been a leak in a nearby, hithertounknown, testosterone factory tonight as they kept chasing each other and ca.uing mayhem (bless them)!

KId's Club finishes and no sooner have we packed it all away, set out the room for Sunday services and tidied stuff, and I find myself off to another meeting; sensitivity of the utmost import with this one. That done, it's back and into the church building to do some more tidying up of things.

Between then and now there was a quick bit of the pastoral stuff and a bit of a chill (tired thanks to the cold - not used to tired, don't think I'll order a subscription!).

So many conversations amid the meetings and so many challenges, blessings and opportunities tinged with the odd niggly bits; like why do people read to you the things you have in hand?

So thank You Lord for the ability to be part of so much and have so much fun.

Thank You Lord for the mundane, for without it how would we know what the special bits are?

Thank You Lord for those who are being drawn close through the things you do in their lives - good job I stand back or else I'd probably mess it all up.

More sadness came as a member of on of the churches passes into glory - may they rest in peace and rise in glory.

Midnight is here and I'm having an early night in readiness for my equally early start - PTL

Everything was going so well, and then . . .

Being Mr efficient, I purchased the Advent Candles months back and had them all ready and waiting in the church, all that was needed was to to walk in and plonk them in the candle holder. So, an hour and a half before the service I pop into run through the music and do the candles - where's the Advent  wreath thing?

Bottom line is that at 10:25 everything is ready and I've used an alternative candle holder as ours is nowhere to be found! I didn't get to practice the songs and I hate this as it is always good to have a play and get into a bit of personal prayer and reflection before the service and without my getting lost in playing and removing myself from people I feel dragged into the places rather than entering ready to meet with God - and today is Advent Sunday! Aaargh!

So we start and it's a day of missed cues and muddled messages - I'm not down to preach (thank goodness for the 'Can't make it to church'  bit on the blog which allows me write a sermon in my head and post it regardless). Meanwhile the wife is doing a service elsewhere and I pray that she is being a blessing and is blessed (and it seems that she and it were - Thank You Lord).

The joy of having so many people take part in a service (there were eleven people involved in some aspect of the service yesterday (13 if you count the Sunday school) is immense - I go to places where everything is done by the person taking the service and that makes for a contiguous, polished (at times), performance from a one man band - but where are are many, the potential for interesting things is infinitely before us! Still, no one other than me did the absolution, there were missed bits (which we studiously also ignore on the PowerPoint) a final song with at least three different version (but we ended in the right chord and laughed as a family at the mayhem), somehow I ended up doing the intercessions (which was an amazing privilege as always) and by the time the day was done.

I struggle at the art of performance that I encounter in some places. The 'Worship' band (I think they mean 'Music Team' because surely the whole service is 'Worship') which is so polished and needs to be marched through the service as if it were a drill display and woe upon them should a note be wrong or a beat missed (which is odd because both are usually present despite somewhere despite their practising!). I rejoice in the bumps we encounter on the road that is our service; sometimes it's the things that fall off the wagon that remind us of the reason we are in the place as Church.

I'm wondering about the places where the service is a one man band - is this making church a spectator sport: worse still, is this something that supports the increasing sadness that is consumerism in the church? Some things for prayer and reflection (with loads of potential conversations too, which has to be good)?

But back to St Francis' and the encounters, the opportunities for fellowship. And the like. I love us still hanging around for so long after the service - its always, "No!" when people ask, "Don't you,wish they'd go home?" 

Last week a couple of visitors remarked that 'weren't church'. They unpacked it by saying that it was relaxed, there were no masks and there was so much else in the place. That's my persistent prayer; that he church might contain true Church - people who can open themselves to one another in safety and in the knowledge that there would be love - if we have that then it can't be bad, can it?

As much as I like to be collegial and share the ministry, there are times when I wish I was more so. Yesterday was one as I cut and folded 1,000 cards to stick through the letterboxes of a neighbouring church. Problem is that The printing wasn't 'edge to edge' and so needed multiple cuts and a crisp fold. Talk about practical evangelism of a different sort, but as I cut and folded I prayed that each seed would bring forth fruit - so, as ever, there was a silver lining. Next year, if they do it again, there will be a more accurate print run with the prayer  and but one fold and one cut still needed!

So here we are - bed beckons and Advent has arrived - even so Lord Jesus, come soon :-)