It's nearly eight am and, daily office done and dusted (so now we're both up!), I begin to prepare for an early wedding. Looking at the league tables I see that weddings are lying a poor second to funerals but were still way ahead ahead of baptisms when we hit the halfway mark for 2012.
I think we often miss the fact that the occasional offices are more than just something we 'have to do'. I meet clergy who grumble when someone has the temerity to encroach upon their 'day off'. I meet others who do the service without any wedding preparation ("What's the point, they're only coming for the building?") and, by virtue of their lack of engagement, find in weddings a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Actually, weddings are a happy moment. The white dress, the shine of the shotgun, the dressing-up and so many other things conspire to make this a 'special day' for the punters and with just a bit of work on our (the DogCollars) part it could be even more special. It could be the pin in the map of life that marks step one in relationships between the couple and God. Not only that some of the things we tell and teach in preparation and the way we sell the Church (even though we give it away for free there is still marketing to be done!) in the interface with those coming all add up to either a warm feeling or a closed door.
The same is true of funerals for in them we find the potential for the development of real relationships as we become someones neighbour when they are in need. The trouble is that I know some who have two funeral sheets; one for 'believers' and the other for 'the lost'. I know so many clergy who offer nothing outside their rigidly structured service. Funerals are, for me, the best part of the job and I reckon that to do one well takes upwards of half a day when the visiting, preparing and doing (not including post-service involvement when required or VAT). When I said this to a bunch of people recently they told me it was, "Half and hour in the undertakers, half an hour in the crem/church/graveside - job done!" If this is the reality is it any wonder people pay for those who are other than clergy to give them what they want in a service? Seems we don't even manage to bring God into it (and I have listened to more than a few by arriving half an hour early for my slot at the Crem') so what's the point of having us do their services for Him or them?
And of course there's baptisms. That wonderful service that every time brings surprise from the family when you tell them, "No charge - God's grace is free!" So why is it when I ask about baptism prep' the answer is (almost) always in the negative? The rite of initiation is something that needs to be taken seriously (as do all the offices) but also need to be customer-facing, friendly and taking the opportunity for engagement. So why the hell don't we take these opportunities?
Here's a raft of things I encounter from talking to other clergy about their offices:
Baptismal preparation is often left out because people don't come.
We don't do baptismal preparation because the families don't like it.
People go somewhere else when we tell them they need to come for three months before we will baptise.
We ask baptism families to do an Alpha.
I just get the sheet and do the funeral with that and the words I ask the family for regarding the deceased.
I try not to do weddings as they take up my Saturdays and no one ever come back.
We don't do wedding preparation because they've already got loads of kids from other relationships.
I usually meet my wedding couple for the first time on the Friday before, the office do all the paperwork and meet them to arrange the service.
I never see any of the baptism couples again.
I never see any of my wedding couples again.
I never see any of my funeral families again.
Discuss
2 comments:
That may be the experience of some, but it's not ours. We do wedding and baptism preparation and we have seen a fair number of those who marry here, and who live in the Parish returning. I fact, our Vicar this Sunday will baptise the first child of a couple who marriage he conducted two years ago.
One factor in our weddings is that we have 5 beautiful, historic churches. Many who come to marry are claiming a family connection, although they now live elsewhere. But we encourage them to attend services here or in their home churches (where the banns are called) and gently monitor their attendance. They are expected to attend wedding preparation either with our Clergy or their home clergy, which is completed in liaison. It seems to work once they've seen that it's part of their journey and preparation for a life long commitment.
Not all are success stories, but our approach works for some and gives us hope that even if it isn't immediately successful, that in the future they will realise that this most precious day marked a change in their lives that brings them back, here or to another church.
The one thing we need to appreciate that wedding couples have a huge choice in where and how they can be married. While not in competition, we need to make a Church wedding a welcoming and affirming experience for the couple and their families, so that the word spreads that the Church is the preferred option. If only through generation to generation maintaining links to parishes.
Having just read your piece I have to admit that we no longer do wedding or baptism prep' in our team. the reasons?
1. They don't want to come
2. They don't come,
3. they don't come back after their banns and wedding have been done,
3. They don't even come back for their baptism certificate.
We now just do the services - give them the certificate and expect to never see them again.
less heartache and niggle
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