Spiritual Parenting: A guest writes

I recently read a short article about some parents who were being investigated for child neglect after allowing their 10 and 6 year-old children to walk home from the park alone; a distance of 1 mile through a nice, well-to-do residential area. The comments ranged from those applauding the parents for their common-sense approach in giving their children freedom and teaching them personal responsponsibilty to those berating them for their laziness and lack of care.

I didn’t share my opinion. Having so little background information about the parents, the children and the area through which they were walking, I felt I had no right to comment. However, it stayed in my thoughts. In my time as a Parenting consultant, I came across families that fell into two distinct camps: those that expected too much of their children and those that expected too little. The latter group were those parents who did everything for their little ones, believing that they were showing love. The outcome was that  the children were stunted in their development, unable to perform simple tasks such as tying shoe laces and were unprepared for life ouside of the home. I met some of these children when I was a student; they lived on takeaways because they had never learned to cook (no need to: mum always cooked) and didn’t know how to use a washing machine (mum always did that too!).

The former group believed their children were capable and mature beyond their years. So often they would tell me that their child was very bright, top of the class, an early reader etc. Children are like sponges, they soak up intellectual stimulus, but they are emotional beings too. These parents came to me becasue their child was having behavioural difficulties; crying and tantrums when told ‘no’ or when they lost at a game. Although the child had progressed intellectually beyond their years, their emotional development was lagging.

It struck me that so often, church leaders fall into these same traps.

The over-indulgent minister who cares for his people by doing everything for them; taking on the full responsibility for their spiritual discipline and growth. The problems arise when the minister tries to encourage the congregation to take on some roles or tasks within the church and finds that their people lack the confidence and the initiative to do so. The congregation in turn look unrealistically to the minister to provide for all their spiritual needs and often end up leaving the church stating that they were ‘unsupported’.

The other type are those who are so enthusiastic to develop their people that they push them into roles that they don’t have the spirtual maturity to sustain. Without a well developed prayer life or deep understanding of their standing in Christ, the baby Christian can become overwhelmed and end up stressed, burnt out and disillusioned leading to them leave the church and be unwilling to get involved in any form of ministry in future. They might even cause problems for others along the way as they struggle to cope with responsibility beyond their means.

Church leaders - much like parents - have to perfect a delicate balancing act. A good parent will aim for their own redundancy: a time when the children have learned the life skills they need to fend for themselves. A good minister will likewise strive to teach and enable church members to stand on their own feet spiritually, having been trained and equipped ‘for works of service’ (cf Ephesians 4:11). This is the route to a healthy family and a healthy church.bog

Father's Love - A Thought for Father's Day

No, not the usual Matt Redman song but something from the pen (and heart) of Bob Carlisle - sung by Gary Valenciano. 

 The words and graphics are something to chew over and, if they don't fully fit, perhaps let you give thanks that there's still time to remedy it if you're a Dad!

 

Fathering B*sta*ds

One of the saddest things I have encountered over my many years in the Christian faith is the ability of churches and various groups to put on events which see 'people coming to faith' causing much rejoicing and a sense of achievement. The problem was that it didn't take long to realise that whilst hands were raised and 'sinner's prayers' prayed, those whose conversion we celebrated left never to return or perhaps slowly trickled away.

Those who raised their hands and prayed and left were generally the people who'd travelled in for the show - and there we so many of these. They came to see the big names and sung the songs and were (I have no doubt) touched  by the evening's happenings. I am sure that they, caught up in the event, really meant what they'd prayed and really intended the experience to be the beginning of a journey - but then they got home!

One of the potential strengths of the Billy Graham guys with regard to mission events was the fact that they engaged in a rigorous administrative process whereby people who'd come forward were effectively 'clerked' (the old term for what happens when a patient came in) so that they could be referred to one of the subscribing churches near to them to ensure that the faith journey was supported and nurtured.

Of course many of the churches near to the new convert were not members and so it was often the case that the 'named' church might not be near enough or of the same mindset, nationality or worship style as that which they'd fit in with and so they were soon lost. Other churches just failed to engage in the follow up because of poor admin', error and general 'naffness' and this, again, meant they were lost.

Many of those who came forward at one of the churches I was part of were prayed with after the service and encouraged to return and yet those who did soon found themselves drifting off because they were not nurtured - something some at the time I was with the church might deny but the numbers proved the sadness to be true.

The real issue is that some of those I have encountered who were struggling and far from Church have often told me how they were Christians because they'd put their hand up somewhere and were therefore 'Christians'. The problem with this is that whilst someone has told them that, they have not taken on board the responsibility of parenting them and so, churches with allow people to raise their hand and then leave never to be seen again are no better than those around me who father children and leave.

In Hebrews 12. 7-8 the Bible tells us :
'God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.'

One of the things I struggle to do is to help those who make a commitment to Christ (wherever I am) turn it into a mature and disciplined discipleship. Not always easy and when you consider some in the Church who have been Christians for years and yet remain largely unconvicted or discipled it easy easy to see the challenge before us (but at least they still come I hear people say).

I am drawn back to a sermon preached by Billy Joe Daugherty at an Elim Convention in the late eighties/early nineties in which he proudly proclaimed that he was 'not a B!!!'. It shook the old dears with their handbags and hats and cause men to tut and shake their heads and yet he was right.

If we are to take upon ourselves the task of fathering spiritual children then we need to also take upon ourselves the task of discipling and disciplining them too. Imagine the headlines in the Daily Fascist about those 'single-parents and the way their children turn up because they are not properly parented'. Have you ever read them and found yourself agreeing with the sentiments contained?

Now ask yourself the question: 'Have I ever done that with God's spiritual children - led them to a place of commitment and then left them, never to see them again?'

If you (like me) can answer 'Yes' to that can I ask this question:

How are we going to make sure that doesn't happen again?

Parenting - it's about responsibilities

I was pleasantly unsurprised by the social worker who appeared on Radio Four this morning over the potential removal into care of four of their children from their parents because they were 'too fat'! The four children (aged 1, 3, 7 & 11)  face the situation where they will be 'fostered without contact' or 'adopted'.

Now I have to be honest and say that I do think that letting our kids become obese is an issue and that steps need to be taken (and I understand many have been) but the frightening bit in all of this (for me at least) is the comment from a supposedly aware and competent social worker that. "Parents have no rights only responsibilities!" This professional went on to add that publishing stories like this only caused people to doubt and regard social workers.

Is it any blinking wonder?

I know a goodly number of social workers who are overworked and try to ensure that the right outcome is brought into being and then I know many others who appear to be inept, out of touch and to be honest, totally incompetent (just like dogcollars) and their decisions and outcomes fill the newspapers, promote the popularity of public enquiries and keep coroners busy.

In this case it appears that the parents have worked to meet the demands of the social workers, pity the same can't be said of the professionals with regard to the family.

Pax

Back home - time for a cup of tea and then chapter (Yeeha!)