Called? Back from Conference (and it's not 'Yes')

One of the most consistent things to come out of my conversations regarding those who have been to a selection conference is: 'Please don't just ignore us!'

I have encountered a few (well eight to be exact) people who felt that the message, 'Go away and forget about it all,' was the wrong message to give because whet they heard was, 'Go Away - you are a failure!' I am sure this was not the case but the fact is that there is pain and confused perception on one side and an almost embarrassed and, albeit well-meaning, something or other from those occupying the 'sending' side.

Then again others (four) have told me that all they wanted to do was be left alone to come to terms with the outcome and then return (or perhaps not) when they felt like it.

First and foremost we need to see the person before us. I have had conversations with people who shared their checklists with me and yet I felt that, laudable as they were, we merely turned a 'friend' into a candidate who we deal with as if we were merely replacing fallen books in a library! We need to communicate the fact that the person before us is not a 'failed candidate': They have not failed - they have merely not been selected at this time! We have a situation whereby, should they continue to seek to discern a felt calling to ordained ministry, they are in the position of 'Not Yet!'

Of course if the letter said 'Go away and do not come back' or 'have a look at Reader or some other form of ministry, just not ordained' the challenge is a bit different, but let's assume we're dealing with the 'Not Yet!' for now and have a think about what we do.

I'm effectively reading back and brainstorming and creating this as I go. It's probably wrong in some people's books but it's been the essence of supporting those who have had the 'not yet' badge pinned to them:

i.a Be honest regarding selectors and process - because to ascribe a lack of vision or anything that dismisses the selectors as a bunch of idiots is to question those who got a green light to continue! I have a great deal of trust in selectors and whilst we all have the potential to get it wrong, I think the system is pretty trustworthy. To undermine it in any way is to render the process, and the candidate before you, as having a lesser value. It's an outcome - that's it, the most positive and supportive way forward from it is now the important thing to be seeking.

But

1.b Be honest regarding the candidate and the report*  - Be careful you don't undermine the person before you either. The prize for this goes to the person whose response was to cancel the 'failed' candidate's room at a clergy conference and then proceed to effectively 'sack' them from shadowing them as, 'They were no longer suitable!' Yay, way to go on the encouragement and pastoral care fronts guys! 

ii. Expect emotions - but what emotions I can't say because I have encountered anger, defeat, unbelief, tears, resignation (of the, 'I knew this would happen,' kind) and more besides. The key is to be open to all and any and to be honest and supportive and to realise that you might just be the person on the help desk when the telephone rings and you have a frustrated or, worse still, bereaved customer before you! They will be exhibiting all of the Kübler Ross** stuff that you might expect when their is a loss:And you need to be able to deal with it just as you might had they called and told you someone they loved had just died!

I should add here that you should also be aware of your own emotions too as I have found some supporters on the journey to be more wounded and confused (and angry and bitter and cynical and ...... (add your own bit here) such that they are a bigger problem than the candidate themselves.

iii.Do not send them away - this is the biggest mistake I think I have encountered as it confirms the fact that the person before you (or in this case not before you) is not wanted. You think you're giving space, they think they're being binned! Get with them face-to-face and up close and personal (no George, not that personal dear . . . step back little!) and guide them to a place where the next step is not only theirs but is also beneficial to discerning the next step and putting aside the knee-jerk (often destructive) response.

iv. Be flexible - one of those who has dealt with returning candidates told me they always impose some breathing space and yet I have realised that for some this is the very opposite and the candidate is later found suffocated because they needed the oxygen of engagement and the hope that comes from regrouping and reassessing. Vocation, like combat, is often laid our and the paths are assumed to be straight, and then the first round is fired and the terrain is discovered and before you know it there's a bit of a rethink on the cards!

So there we are, some initial thoughts created from the experience and example of some that I have met. I hope it is helpful and that you see this as an invitation to internally discuss the stages open to you in supporting a candidate and externally with all, and any, who will do so (I'd love to because I want to be someone who helps restore the broken and testing vocation has great potential to be that thing that bears people!

Can we fix it?
Yes we can!

*If you have the report before you. The first engagement might not have that and even if it is in the hands of the candidate they have to show it to you (or permit you to have a copy).

** Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is famous in the grief, loss and bereavement side of being a minister. She listed five attributes that might, or might not, occur and even re-occur when someone has suffered a loss; and loss is about more than death of a person (it can be a career, a limb, a prized possession and much, much more besides - including the perceived, feared or realised loss of vocation and calling!):

The five traits are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Called? Wrong result and responses!

So, continuing with the story of the lovely lady who wasn't so lovely because of her experiences relating to having offered herself for ordination and having explained where she was, let us continue...

As I said in the first post of this series, this young lady hadn't just been knocked back but had, more tragically, also been knocked down and the eyes of the beholder see those two words, 'I'm sorry'.

Having invited her to share her feelings and the situation following the conference in terms of engagement with those who had stood with her on the vocations trail and what she thought the letter had said I found myself in the midst of a real firestorm as the pain and anger and frustration and other stuff poured out of her. So much so that I'm not sure that I quite know where to start (it didn't seem right to ask her to wait whilst I got a pen and paper and wrote it all down, she wanted a pastor not a secretary!).

But here's the essence of it all:

From the closest to her on the journey the response was, 'Oh dear, we must get together when I'm free!'

Her supporting cleric, after some muttered words of comfort, then said that she wasn't expected to attend the church council (PCC) meeting and would not be expected to shadow them anymore in the light of the 'No' that she had received from the selectors!

Tears running like rivers my young lady went on to tell me how a few days later she'd had a call from a friend who had been at the PCC meeting where the Vicar had told the gathered audience how their candidate had 'failed selection!' Her friend rang to make sure she was O.K. and to invite her out for a coffee (what did we do before Costa I wonder?).

I have to admit that this is where I took the opportunity to mirror her pain, frustration and anger as the inept behaviour of her Vicar took a hold of me (I'm still available should the bishop consider creating the joint posts of diocesan hitman and arsonist - although as they weren't from our diocese perhaps that needs to be part of the Archbishop's Team: Over to you ++Justin). I can understand the confusion and pain felt by someone who has a congregation member return from conference and be wounded by the subsequent happenings but what I heard was perhaps the most downright pastorally inept actions I have ever encountered.

As we talked I realised that she had in fact been 'binned' by her leader and, like those who attempt to make the grey beret that is SAS theirs, she had effectively been RTU'd (returned to unit) - a single act that adds humiliation to the disappointment of the wrong outcome. It was now some weeks since the letter and although she'd seen a vocations person who had offered tea and sympathy and the promise of support in continuing exploring her vocation, the Vicar had effectively sidestepped her and because of this she had now absented herself from that church. The problem was that I couldn't blame her for doing so!

I asked who had contacted her in the church family and found that you could count those who had offered support on two fingers, the rest had kept their distance and, as her anger had risen, increased the distance to escape the fallout. Her own family were confused and wounded by the lack of effective support and her friends, some from other churches, were encouraging her to 'shake the dust' and move on where she could be used and loved in equal measure.

So I told her to go and challenge her Vicar over the response and the distancing and to ask how she was going to stand with her. I told her that it would be O.K. to cry, acceptable to shout and just a little too far to take a stick or sharp object (and at last I got a laugh!). 

I told her that what she had shared was neither 'something else' (like Lay Ministry) or a 'never again' but was merely ('merely' here being at the same level that says Hiroshima was merely a bomb someone dropped!!!) an invitation to step back, read what was really written rather than the interpretation that had been taken on board, and return with the bumps in the road flattened. It was people pointing out issues that needed some tinkering with rather than an epic fail and the end of the world - just an extremely painful episode on the way to giving birth to a new ministry. 

So we chatted a bit more and we prayed (the first Vicar to do that with her - how shameful is that?) and she left to visit her relative (looking like Marc Bolan on a bad day with all the smeared mascara and stuff - thinking now I ought to have told her :-(  ) and hopefully return home to make an appointment with her Vicar.

And that's my conversation in a nutshell. Names, locations and the like have been changed to protect the wounded and the guilty alike (who says I don't do Grace?).

And I'll end this entry with a plea: Brother and sisters, if you see someone caught up in journey to vocation then handle them gently; correcting in love and guiding with hope and the understanding that whatever part of the journey they are on, there but for the grace of God it could be you!

Deal with them as you would wish to be dealt with.

Encourage those who are discerning their call and pray for those who work with them.

And best of all, ask God what your calling is and have the courage, like my young woman, togo forward with it and to continue even when other make that journey harder - for we are all weak and flawed at times: That's why we need Jesus, innit?

Pax

Called? What does discernment look like and do?

Last week I found myself engaged in brief conversation by a lovely young lady who wasn't in lovely young lady mode - the reason for this being that she had recently been to the Fens for a selection conference and not only been knocked back but had also been knocked down - and this got me thinking.

Bur first, for those of you who don't know the process the CofE use to select people for training, let me explain the what and how of the whole shebang - and then we can look at the lovely lady and her experience:

Initial Exploration

Having shared the feeling that you think God might be calling you to 'do something' in the Church you might find yourself engaged with by your own minister or pointed towards the DDO (Diocesan Director of Ordinands - the person who puts candidates up to the bishop for approval to attend a selection conference) who will either see you and start the process of discernment rolling by continuing with you or by passing you on to a local vocations advisor (like what I am).

Either way you will start to look at calling and how to test it and understand where it is pointed and many other criteria that selectors (people who will interview you at a BAP or DAP*) will be looking for. Sometimes the journey may branch off in directions that lead to Lay Ministry or perhaps Church Army or other directions: But is should always be done with (and for) you and never to you. If you feel uncomfortable, confused or troubled - Tell someone immediately. 

Preparation for 'Conference'

Once those on the vocation trail are satisfied that there is evidence of a calling then you might find yourself in a reading group where you will read (duh!) a variety of books and discuss them with the others. This gives you a chance to engage with others and dialogue in ways that might be a bit alien - but it is all part of the preparation (especially when some of the group are a challenge: Just make sure the 'challenge' isn't you!).

There will be meetings with the DDO (or one of their team) to discuss the criteria in more depth and draw out your views and feelings regarding what you feel and have experienced thus far.

There might be the added bonus of finding yourself enrolled in a course of study (I love the Old and New Testament distance learning courses from St John's or London School of Theology for this). Don't worry if you find yourself asked to do a bit of study, this is merely there to demonstrate to yourself (most importantly) that you can cope with the academic stuff and it will also help selectors see who they have before them.

The Conference itself
Three days at a conference centre where, once you've got your room squared away, things kick off with the 'Personal Inventory': Forty minutes of 'quick fire' questions which relate to the three selection interviews - Education, Pastoral and Vocation. 

Then there's a pastoral exercise to think about: 500 words to someone with a problem (I'll let them have my address!) that needs addressing (and here's a tip - offer support but don't be directive

The sun comes up and after breakfast and a spot of church you get a chance to share your presentation and get a discussion going: But remember you are leading and being led so you have to be as switched on for the other's presentations as you wanted those around you be for yours!

Then they feed you and it's into the selector's interviews which are challenging and, if my conference was anything to go by, require sleep directly afterwards! The next day you'll have more selector interviews as required to ensure you've done three and then there's a bit of decompression in the shape of the Eucharist and off you go to your homes where, if you are like me, you'll have no idea which way is up and how you've done.

Then comes the wait for the letter: Generally there are three outcomes (an a hint: People don't 'fail' a BAP or DAP and it is not a rejection of those who have attended. Well not that I have seen - but that's not how others might perceive it):

NOT YET - This is a 'Not recommended',but it should have the added 'not at this time', because you can return and play again at a later date.

SOMETHING ELSE - Where ordination is not discerned or indicated the path of Lay Minister (or perhaps Church Army) is suggested. The whole thing is about putting round pegs into round holes and so where a square peg is found, a square hole will be suggested)!

NEVER - I was shocked when I first encountered someone who was effectively told 'Don't send this person ever again!'

So there you have the scene set for the next act (which will probably be tomorrow as I'm rushing out again for a meeting - oh deep joy!)

* BAP - Bishop's Advisory Panel: Two and a half days away where you undertake certain exercises and engage in interviews with a view to being selected for training for ordained ministry (stipendiary or non-stipendiary - that means paid or unpaid)

DAP - Diocesan Advisory Panel: Time away where you are interviewed with a view to becoming an OLM (Ordained Local Minister) in the diocese in which you reside.

Selection, Rejection and proper responses

When I said that whilst some who had not been selected felt that they, 'Weren't wanted' and made the remark that, 'This is not what selection does, says or is,' I should have added, 'Or at least shouldn't be!'

One of those who has experienced the dark side of the Church of England's selection process writes:

'I'm sure the church believes this is true. But the system that is in place makes it very difficult to experience being turned down after a BAP as anything other than a rejection, and a violent one at that. If you spend up to two years carefully and often painfully working through a discernment process with your DDO, get recommended to the Bishop, go and see the Bishop and get recommended to a panel, and then are turned down (in my case) primarily on the basis of a single interview with a vocational advisor who you have never met before, it's difficult not to take it very hard. They say it's not rejection, but it sure feels like it.'

One of the things that has impressed me greatly is the support that our DDO has put in place for those who have received a 'No' (or perhaps 'Not Yet").

The other thing that we have is a process whereby potential candidates are met with by Vocations Advisors who help with the discernment and, being one I know this to be true, will say 'No' openly and honestly and work with that person to help them find the niche that exists for their particular form of ministry.

That said there are some whom, if anecdotal evidence is to be believed, send people up the chain because they don't want to be the person who says 'No'; an act which is duplicitous and damaging to the person and the well-being of the church and its ministry. After all, as Matthew 5. 37 tells us, 'All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. I'd add to that the  'Not Yet' and tell them what they need to do to gain experience, prove abilities yet unseen and the like - anything outside these is fudge or side-stepping the reality and this will lead to more pain and lost ministries in the long run.

Rightly or wrongly, I do have a great deal of confidence in the selection process and whilst when I went through it I found myself in the company of some who knew everything that was coming (even the questions which they'd learnt answers to beforehand!) I have to say that I knew enough to know what to expect in terms of format but everything was pretty much a surprise, a real benefit, as the selectors saw me and not someone else's answers. There is much to discuss concerning preparation, and we will be looking at this (and the fact that no one gets selected, or not, alone - it is a journey and an outcome that affects more than the one who goes off for the conference).

Pax

Vocations - Looking at language

One of the consistent things that I find occurring when it comes to helping people discern their calling to ministry is the use of language.

People will often come in speaking of 'authority', a word that will cause many to immediately harbour doubts about the reason for the calling that is being claimed, when what they mean is perhaps more correctly labelled as 'testing, submission and of having been approved'.

On my journey, one of the important things in ordination was the fact that those who are ordained are:

1. Recognised as having a 'calling' to something within their own fellowship,
2. Are approved by that fellowship and sent to the DDO (Diocesan Director of Ordinands) or vocations adviser,
3. Are examined and, perhaps after additional elements (readings groups, etc.), are sent to a selection conference (BAP),
4. At the BAP the person is engaged to help clarify the nature of the calling and the best way it can be developed,
5. Having been selected, training tales place and once this is completed the person is offered to the wider church (sending diocese having first choice if there is a suitable 'title post') and ordained.

What we have here is a process by which those who ordained can demonstrate that they are:

i. Have been tried, tested and approved

• The selection process
• The training experience
• The Title post

ii. Are in submission to those above.

•  It is here that, taking the model of Nehemiah, that we can see that those ordained have authority because they submit to authority.
• Just as an officer in the forces is saluted because they hold a commission, it is the queen (whose commission they hold) who is being saluted, not the person - this is devolved power through submission to the monarch.
• Are 'primus inter pares' (first among equals). This doesn't make them the 'Daddy' but makes them someone who is collaborative and supportive of others - true authority.

The motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst (RMAS) is 'Serve to Lead'.

On the first day at that place one of the staff asked us who the greatest leader was. Being in the big concrete sleeping bag that bears the name of a certain great leader theirs was the first name out of the bag, quickly followed by many others until, exasperated the Colour Sargeant asked where the padres were and who was it they worked for?

yes, the answer was 'Jesus'! Someone regarded by as a great leader because He came to serve. This is the true nature of authority - submission and service.

I hope this helps clarify some of the thinking around vocations

Pax





*Those who were not selected (this is not 'rejected'*) will be offered help in discerning their vocation and may return to a BAP at a later date or find their calling fulfilled in  a different area of ministry. This is not the end of 'calling' (of which our baptismal calling is the greatest calling we have).