Called? Back from Conference (and it's not 'Yes')

One of the most consistent things to come out of my conversations regarding those who have been to a selection conference is: 'Please don't just ignore us!'

I have encountered a few (well eight to be exact) people who felt that the message, 'Go away and forget about it all,' was the wrong message to give because whet they heard was, 'Go Away - you are a failure!' I am sure this was not the case but the fact is that there is pain and confused perception on one side and an almost embarrassed and, albeit well-meaning, something or other from those occupying the 'sending' side.

Then again others (four) have told me that all they wanted to do was be left alone to come to terms with the outcome and then return (or perhaps not) when they felt like it.

First and foremost we need to see the person before us. I have had conversations with people who shared their checklists with me and yet I felt that, laudable as they were, we merely turned a 'friend' into a candidate who we deal with as if we were merely replacing fallen books in a library! We need to communicate the fact that the person before us is not a 'failed candidate': They have not failed - they have merely not been selected at this time! We have a situation whereby, should they continue to seek to discern a felt calling to ordained ministry, they are in the position of 'Not Yet!'

Of course if the letter said 'Go away and do not come back' or 'have a look at Reader or some other form of ministry, just not ordained' the challenge is a bit different, but let's assume we're dealing with the 'Not Yet!' for now and have a think about what we do.

I'm effectively reading back and brainstorming and creating this as I go. It's probably wrong in some people's books but it's been the essence of supporting those who have had the 'not yet' badge pinned to them:

i.a Be honest regarding selectors and process - because to ascribe a lack of vision or anything that dismisses the selectors as a bunch of idiots is to question those who got a green light to continue! I have a great deal of trust in selectors and whilst we all have the potential to get it wrong, I think the system is pretty trustworthy. To undermine it in any way is to render the process, and the candidate before you, as having a lesser value. It's an outcome - that's it, the most positive and supportive way forward from it is now the important thing to be seeking.

But

1.b Be honest regarding the candidate and the report*  - Be careful you don't undermine the person before you either. The prize for this goes to the person whose response was to cancel the 'failed' candidate's room at a clergy conference and then proceed to effectively 'sack' them from shadowing them as, 'They were no longer suitable!' Yay, way to go on the encouragement and pastoral care fronts guys! 

ii. Expect emotions - but what emotions I can't say because I have encountered anger, defeat, unbelief, tears, resignation (of the, 'I knew this would happen,' kind) and more besides. The key is to be open to all and any and to be honest and supportive and to realise that you might just be the person on the help desk when the telephone rings and you have a frustrated or, worse still, bereaved customer before you! They will be exhibiting all of the Kübler Ross** stuff that you might expect when their is a loss:And you need to be able to deal with it just as you might had they called and told you someone they loved had just died!

I should add here that you should also be aware of your own emotions too as I have found some supporters on the journey to be more wounded and confused (and angry and bitter and cynical and ...... (add your own bit here) such that they are a bigger problem than the candidate themselves.

iii.Do not send them away - this is the biggest mistake I think I have encountered as it confirms the fact that the person before you (or in this case not before you) is not wanted. You think you're giving space, they think they're being binned! Get with them face-to-face and up close and personal (no George, not that personal dear . . . step back little!) and guide them to a place where the next step is not only theirs but is also beneficial to discerning the next step and putting aside the knee-jerk (often destructive) response.

iv. Be flexible - one of those who has dealt with returning candidates told me they always impose some breathing space and yet I have realised that for some this is the very opposite and the candidate is later found suffocated because they needed the oxygen of engagement and the hope that comes from regrouping and reassessing. Vocation, like combat, is often laid our and the paths are assumed to be straight, and then the first round is fired and the terrain is discovered and before you know it there's a bit of a rethink on the cards!

So there we are, some initial thoughts created from the experience and example of some that I have met. I hope it is helpful and that you see this as an invitation to internally discuss the stages open to you in supporting a candidate and externally with all, and any, who will do so (I'd love to because I want to be someone who helps restore the broken and testing vocation has great potential to be that thing that bears people!

Can we fix it?
Yes we can!

*If you have the report before you. The first engagement might not have that and even if it is in the hands of the candidate they have to show it to you (or permit you to have a copy).

** Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is famous in the grief, loss and bereavement side of being a minister. She listed five attributes that might, or might not, occur and even re-occur when someone has suffered a loss; and loss is about more than death of a person (it can be a career, a limb, a prized possession and much, much more besides - including the perceived, feared or realised loss of vocation and calling!):

The five traits are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Called? Wrong result and responses!

So, continuing with the story of the lovely lady who wasn't so lovely because of her experiences relating to having offered herself for ordination and having explained where she was, let us continue...

As I said in the first post of this series, this young lady hadn't just been knocked back but had, more tragically, also been knocked down and the eyes of the beholder see those two words, 'I'm sorry'.

Having invited her to share her feelings and the situation following the conference in terms of engagement with those who had stood with her on the vocations trail and what she thought the letter had said I found myself in the midst of a real firestorm as the pain and anger and frustration and other stuff poured out of her. So much so that I'm not sure that I quite know where to start (it didn't seem right to ask her to wait whilst I got a pen and paper and wrote it all down, she wanted a pastor not a secretary!).

But here's the essence of it all:

From the closest to her on the journey the response was, 'Oh dear, we must get together when I'm free!'

Her supporting cleric, after some muttered words of comfort, then said that she wasn't expected to attend the church council (PCC) meeting and would not be expected to shadow them anymore in the light of the 'No' that she had received from the selectors!

Tears running like rivers my young lady went on to tell me how a few days later she'd had a call from a friend who had been at the PCC meeting where the Vicar had told the gathered audience how their candidate had 'failed selection!' Her friend rang to make sure she was O.K. and to invite her out for a coffee (what did we do before Costa I wonder?).

I have to admit that this is where I took the opportunity to mirror her pain, frustration and anger as the inept behaviour of her Vicar took a hold of me (I'm still available should the bishop consider creating the joint posts of diocesan hitman and arsonist - although as they weren't from our diocese perhaps that needs to be part of the Archbishop's Team: Over to you ++Justin). I can understand the confusion and pain felt by someone who has a congregation member return from conference and be wounded by the subsequent happenings but what I heard was perhaps the most downright pastorally inept actions I have ever encountered.

As we talked I realised that she had in fact been 'binned' by her leader and, like those who attempt to make the grey beret that is SAS theirs, she had effectively been RTU'd (returned to unit) - a single act that adds humiliation to the disappointment of the wrong outcome. It was now some weeks since the letter and although she'd seen a vocations person who had offered tea and sympathy and the promise of support in continuing exploring her vocation, the Vicar had effectively sidestepped her and because of this she had now absented herself from that church. The problem was that I couldn't blame her for doing so!

I asked who had contacted her in the church family and found that you could count those who had offered support on two fingers, the rest had kept their distance and, as her anger had risen, increased the distance to escape the fallout. Her own family were confused and wounded by the lack of effective support and her friends, some from other churches, were encouraging her to 'shake the dust' and move on where she could be used and loved in equal measure.

So I told her to go and challenge her Vicar over the response and the distancing and to ask how she was going to stand with her. I told her that it would be O.K. to cry, acceptable to shout and just a little too far to take a stick or sharp object (and at last I got a laugh!). 

I told her that what she had shared was neither 'something else' (like Lay Ministry) or a 'never again' but was merely ('merely' here being at the same level that says Hiroshima was merely a bomb someone dropped!!!) an invitation to step back, read what was really written rather than the interpretation that had been taken on board, and return with the bumps in the road flattened. It was people pointing out issues that needed some tinkering with rather than an epic fail and the end of the world - just an extremely painful episode on the way to giving birth to a new ministry. 

So we chatted a bit more and we prayed (the first Vicar to do that with her - how shameful is that?) and she left to visit her relative (looking like Marc Bolan on a bad day with all the smeared mascara and stuff - thinking now I ought to have told her :-(  ) and hopefully return home to make an appointment with her Vicar.

And that's my conversation in a nutshell. Names, locations and the like have been changed to protect the wounded and the guilty alike (who says I don't do Grace?).

And I'll end this entry with a plea: Brother and sisters, if you see someone caught up in journey to vocation then handle them gently; correcting in love and guiding with hope and the understanding that whatever part of the journey they are on, there but for the grace of God it could be you!

Deal with them as you would wish to be dealt with.

Encourage those who are discerning their call and pray for those who work with them.

And best of all, ask God what your calling is and have the courage, like my young woman, togo forward with it and to continue even when other make that journey harder - for we are all weak and flawed at times: That's why we need Jesus, innit?

Pax

Called? What does discernment look like and do?

Last week I found myself engaged in brief conversation by a lovely young lady who wasn't in lovely young lady mode - the reason for this being that she had recently been to the Fens for a selection conference and not only been knocked back but had also been knocked down - and this got me thinking.

Bur first, for those of you who don't know the process the CofE use to select people for training, let me explain the what and how of the whole shebang - and then we can look at the lovely lady and her experience:

Initial Exploration

Having shared the feeling that you think God might be calling you to 'do something' in the Church you might find yourself engaged with by your own minister or pointed towards the DDO (Diocesan Director of Ordinands - the person who puts candidates up to the bishop for approval to attend a selection conference) who will either see you and start the process of discernment rolling by continuing with you or by passing you on to a local vocations advisor (like what I am).

Either way you will start to look at calling and how to test it and understand where it is pointed and many other criteria that selectors (people who will interview you at a BAP or DAP*) will be looking for. Sometimes the journey may branch off in directions that lead to Lay Ministry or perhaps Church Army or other directions: But is should always be done with (and for) you and never to you. If you feel uncomfortable, confused or troubled - Tell someone immediately. 

Preparation for 'Conference'

Once those on the vocation trail are satisfied that there is evidence of a calling then you might find yourself in a reading group where you will read (duh!) a variety of books and discuss them with the others. This gives you a chance to engage with others and dialogue in ways that might be a bit alien - but it is all part of the preparation (especially when some of the group are a challenge: Just make sure the 'challenge' isn't you!).

There will be meetings with the DDO (or one of their team) to discuss the criteria in more depth and draw out your views and feelings regarding what you feel and have experienced thus far.

There might be the added bonus of finding yourself enrolled in a course of study (I love the Old and New Testament distance learning courses from St John's or London School of Theology for this). Don't worry if you find yourself asked to do a bit of study, this is merely there to demonstrate to yourself (most importantly) that you can cope with the academic stuff and it will also help selectors see who they have before them.

The Conference itself
Three days at a conference centre where, once you've got your room squared away, things kick off with the 'Personal Inventory': Forty minutes of 'quick fire' questions which relate to the three selection interviews - Education, Pastoral and Vocation. 

Then there's a pastoral exercise to think about: 500 words to someone with a problem (I'll let them have my address!) that needs addressing (and here's a tip - offer support but don't be directive

The sun comes up and after breakfast and a spot of church you get a chance to share your presentation and get a discussion going: But remember you are leading and being led so you have to be as switched on for the other's presentations as you wanted those around you be for yours!

Then they feed you and it's into the selector's interviews which are challenging and, if my conference was anything to go by, require sleep directly afterwards! The next day you'll have more selector interviews as required to ensure you've done three and then there's a bit of decompression in the shape of the Eucharist and off you go to your homes where, if you are like me, you'll have no idea which way is up and how you've done.

Then comes the wait for the letter: Generally there are three outcomes (an a hint: People don't 'fail' a BAP or DAP and it is not a rejection of those who have attended. Well not that I have seen - but that's not how others might perceive it):

NOT YET - This is a 'Not recommended',but it should have the added 'not at this time', because you can return and play again at a later date.

SOMETHING ELSE - Where ordination is not discerned or indicated the path of Lay Minister (or perhaps Church Army) is suggested. The whole thing is about putting round pegs into round holes and so where a square peg is found, a square hole will be suggested)!

NEVER - I was shocked when I first encountered someone who was effectively told 'Don't send this person ever again!'

So there you have the scene set for the next act (which will probably be tomorrow as I'm rushing out again for a meeting - oh deep joy!)

* BAP - Bishop's Advisory Panel: Two and a half days away where you undertake certain exercises and engage in interviews with a view to being selected for training for ordained ministry (stipendiary or non-stipendiary - that means paid or unpaid)

DAP - Diocesan Advisory Panel: Time away where you are interviewed with a view to becoming an OLM (Ordained Local Minister) in the diocese in which you reside.

Selection: Not just the Candidate!

I have had a rather charming, and challenging,  conversation with someone who has supported their spouse along the road to selection and had to pick up the many fragments that scattered the route back after they received something other than a resounding 'yes' at conference.

They highlighted the pleasure and the pain as doors were opened and then, in one final and dramatic act, apparently slammed shut. The frustration at the time it took to reach the endpoint and the ways in which the news was communicated and them feeling abandoned and betrayed. The upset that having looked for a job near to the intended college the plans were not only dashed at the 'possibly going to' end but caused issues with the 'possibly leaving end' too (telling your head that you might well be leaving and then not and finding they have already tentatively found a replacement apparently goes down quite badly).

The preparing the children for a change of home and then having got them excited about going, having to tell them you're staying!

I don't know how we can do it better. Perhaps we need to ensure that successful candidates at selection are given a year's shadowing their home church clergy before college to provide a naturtal gap should selection fall apart. The fact that the candidate feels abandoned is something that we, the church, must get to grips with; the support for the spouse and family of a candidate who returns with altered timescales or direction is equally (perhaps more) important too!

I've started a new section on the cavedwellers forum (goes live tonight) for people to share, explore, discuss and bleed over the issue of discernment, calling and selection. If anyone would like to come and contribute please feel free to either go to the forum and join or mail me and I'll set them up with a login and password.

We need to discuss and learn from our mistakes so that we can provide a positive and supportive environment for those exploring ministry (in all its forms) and those whose direction has changed as the process progresses.

'No one get ordained alone if they are married and it's not just the candidate that feels the pain if it falls.'

Thank you to the person who gave me that thought - may God bless you and yours as the process to be in the right place continues.

Selection: Not 'No' but 'Not Yet'

Amazed at the amount of conversations I've had regarding the can of worms that is offering oneself for ministry and the selection process.

Stunned by those who have heard, 'No, now go away,' even though often this response was indeed tacit (and yet was supported by the actions and attitudes of those who should most assuredly know better).

Sure, that when the response has been 'No' or 'Not Yet' the response of sending churches ( and especially the incumbent), DDOs and others should be (in my best Michael Caine voice and sensitive to gender considerations):

'Hang on lads, I've got a great idea . . .'

Some of my greatest joys in my ministry life have come from having worked with people who have returned from a BAP or DAP (hereafter referred to as 'selection') with a 'Not yet' or 'Not this calling'.The reason for this is greater that the sum of the parts but contains these elements:

Wrong language: Where submission, sense of calling, collegiality, collaboration and humility are to be sought, selectors have heard the opposite or mixed messages.

I always seek to get those I work with to explain what ordination will enable them to be, do, or do differently. One person who had come after a 'Not Yet' took great pains to explain that the honest answer was 'Nothing!' A response that demanded the questions, 'So why have you applied?' and 'How did you end up at selection conference!'

The response showed someone who was already in what was, dog collar and label aside, a ministry role. The key wax to unlock the passion for that calling and provide the words that invited exploration and revealed the calling (already recognised but needing to be ratified ).

Wrong Ideas: Quite a few people think that they should be ordained because , 'I don't have enough time to do what I do in church and do my job outside!'

This could well be calling to ministry but I could also be the result of being someone who can't say no or possesses poor time management skills (or both). I tend to regard 'doing' as something that shows commitment to the body and evidence of discipleship, but there are some who see it as the establishing of a track record and supporting evidence, The ' why' is more important than the 'what' for me - it's often a clincher in discerning vocation!

Just wrong: the dog collar who sends someone because they are doing and this needs recognition and reward in ordination or a Lay Ministry role. Ordination and ministry roles are not rewards, they are who we are released to be!

Wrong; Not investing time and effort in those who come forward before and regardless of outcome if selection conference is met, afterwards too. As discernment process moves on, opportunities and avenues of ministry should be walked along with an eye for the right fruit for those who accompany you. It's not what the role is, but that it fulfils and mutually defines the person seeking and the role itself.

NOT YET indicates something that is both ongoing and being actively engaged with. If you are the proud possessor of o e of these then you are still very much engaged in the discerning of joy vocation and so should others be!

So get out there and be a blinking nuisance!

Chivvy your clergy ( remember the widow and the magistrate?).

Chase your vocations people and challenge them to help you find the right shaped hole for you (and worry if they eventually meet you late at night in the woods with a shovel).

Talk to the pointyhatted ones and explain where and what and why (absolutely serious step - not to be taken lightly and realising they are busy, but ultimately have the cure if your soul as their charge (and remember what happened to Thomas å Becket!!).

Carpe diem (which auto text corrects to 'carpet firm') - grab the opportunities, listen to the witness of God (internally and from others) and don't lose sight of that which you feel called to. Talk about it (but don't become a bore!), prayer about if(and don't forget to listen), read about it (the more you understand the clearer your conversation can be) and be tenacious (stubborn).

Seek out those who will listen, advise (critically) and live you on your journey - for we are family and brother-in-arms and must Luce as such.

Pax

Becoming a 'Vicar' - Crashed and burned at Selection Conference

I find myself having many conversations with people who tell me how they 'failed' or 'weren't selected' for ministry training in the Church of England. Stipendiary, Self-Supporting (SSM, the ministry formerly known as NSM) or Ordained Local Ministry (OLM) - they've been off and spent some time with assessors who have discerned that 'ordained ministry' is the calling presenting in the person before them (or at least not yet it isn't).

The problem is that what many hear is that, to use the words of one, 'Weren't wanted,' and this is not what selection does, says, or is. What it should be is an aid to help the person presenting themselves discern where they fit - after all, a square peg might well fit into a round hole but it takes lots of hitting with a hammer and damages the peg and the place you're trying to fit it. Better still to see and hear who they are and guide them gently into the right shaped receptacle for them. Less filing, banging, friction and pain all round.

So when someone I converse with on a fairly regular basis wrote, 'I offered for SSM and my offer was declined for perfectly good reasons. However, the report recommended me 'For Ministry in the Church of England' but with no caveat of which type of ministry?' I struggle a little!

I can understand the selectors writing, 'Not this one!' But when the response carries with it the additional words, 'But recommended for 'Ministry in the Church of England', ' I am a little at loss.

There are so many avenues for offering oneself as a worker in the Church of England, there are:

Ordained: Stipendiary Priests and Deacons (paid), Self-Supporting Ministers (unpaid Priests and Deacons), Ordained Local Ministers , Ordained Pioneer Ministers.

Lay:  Mission-Shaped Ministry, Pastoral Care Ministry, Pioneer Ministers, Prayer Ministers, Spiritual Growth Ministry, Readerships, Worship Leading and Youth Ministry (to name but a few).

Other: There are so many opportunities to offer ourselves for roles at church (and other levels) and these are as numerous and diverse and the numbers of churches, ministries and people that we have. The key is to look, feel the match and put oneself forward.

The issue with my friend quoted here is that there appears to be neither parish or diocesan level support for them and their quest to be used and useful in the right place.

They say that they feel a call to, 'Proclaim the Gospel in a public-facing ministry role,' and this can be done in a number of areas, not just ordained, but lay and not just pulpit-based but on the streets in evangelistic settings, teaching (sermons are not the only place for this) - but without support and prayerful guidance, discernment and care, we leave those 'feeling called' confused and, as time passes, impotent, frustrated and perhaps bitter too!

The warning to the Church of England is that I meet too many who echo the words of the person thus far quoted:

'Perhaps I just need to pack it all in and sit in the pews like the rest and be 'done to', or go somewhere else. Unfortunately, the call persists'

They say that cuts have removed Lay Training from the menu for 2013 - 14 (which is pathetic and destined to diminish the numbers coming forward for training and finish off those like our writer) and that there is no one outside of parish clergy - who should be the first port of call and then be supported a diocesan level - to engage with or find succour and guidance.

Shameful, sad, frustrating and unbelievable.

We need to support and encourage those who feel they have a calling - it's what we do:

Equip - Train - Release - Celebrate