The privileges of ministry

It's just after one in the morning and the day has come to a close - and as Wednesday makes its appearance I have to say that I can't express the joy and gratitude I have in my heart for an amazing week thus far.

Sunday rocked - an early communion with a bunch of faithful people saw us celebrate 'Christ the King'

The a change of venue and the amazing privilege of baptising someone and being part of the beginnings of their journey into the Christian faith (doing the START course with them being a joy indeed) and breaking bread with another wonderfully diverse bunch of people.

On to another service elsewhere before gathering in the town centre to do three performances of a  'Living Nativity' as part of the town's Christmas lights being switched on. The rain fell but the people stopped and in the midst of so much secular, Jesus was given space to remind people who the Christmas thing is all about - priceless opportunity or what?

And then another church and the final Communion of the day. 

Monday saw what must be one of the most joyful and complete funeral services I think I have conducted and to find yourself in a Crematorium with a bunch of happy, smiling people, in that setting, as final farewells are made and the word 'celebration' is made real in the light of the realised hope that is Jesus. That's something you cannot fail to smile at  and praise the God with whom I work for!

Today saw one of the most enjoyable, and energetic, school assemblies I have done for ages and as the buzz from that still echoed in my being I found the mood change and had the privilege of standing with one who has been bereaved and looked with them to the love of God and the hope that is made real in Jesus.

And as for today? Bed beckons and tomorrow (now today) will be another day of challenge, meeting new people, taking Communion into care homes and the homes of those who can no longer leave their own four walls, and much more besides I'm sure. There will be divine appointments and the opportunity to minister God's love made real in Jesus, the Christ, and His amazing sacrifice for us.

Ministry: A privilege and a joy - more than a job, it's a gift to those who do it and (I pray), a blessing to those on the receiving end of it.

Hallelujah or what?

Goodnight Lord, and thanks for an amazing day!

When pastoral gets tricky: the 'M' word

The issue of masturbation is one of the rarely occurring challenges for the pastoral role, but when it turns up it is never a simple issue. The main reason is that this is surely one of those things done out of the public gaze; and if it isn't then the solution is made simple for whenever I have encountered this (about seven or eight times) mental health issues or cranial trauma were the more pressing pastoral need.

It is, generally not an issue that we tend to talk about other than the attributing of a more colloquial term for the act addressed at someone who has acted foolishly - as many Referees will surely attest.

This is an issue which may have first been addressed in the (boy's) school assembly when warnings about inducing  'weaknesses' were made. Staying in school and moving to the playground where folk warnings about hirsute palms, weakened eyesight and many other curses were passed on from one to another. Of course, supported by the Onan 'spilling seed' context this is often limited in people's thinking as a male only issue - but of course it isn't. During my time as a counsellor I have met almost as many women as men who have engaged in the act as something compulsive and/or damaging and a problem.

It is an area which so many of those 'pastors' on the Internet seem to be obsessed with as they condemn the reader who transgresses to eternal separation from God and  an eternity of hellfire and damnation.

The very reason I have started along this current thread of 'pastoral getting tricky' is that people have turned up before me and brought me a Jesus who is a curse as He comes into their reality with the sole purpose of condemning them - and the focus of this condemnation, for some is masturbation!

But I have a Jesus who comes not to condemn the world but to save those in it by reconciling them to God and bringing the promise that, believing in Him, they will not perish! (Jn 3.16)

I have a God who tells me that nothing separates me from His love: Not height, not depth, nor power or principality; nothing future, present, or past, separates me from the love of God. (Ro 8.38)

And today, in my morning office (see the post before this) I found the words: '
But if the wicked turn away from all their sins that they have committed and keep all my statutes and do what is lawful and right, they shall surely live; they shall not die.'

Which are great, but when I check my Bible, nowhere do I find and reference to the word. It isn't just that there is no commandment about this issue, but there is no mention of the word.

The focus of the much vaunted hellfire despatching and condemnation-supporting passage that many like to use, Matthew 5.27, is about lust, double standards and the key requisites of those who claim to have a faith: humility, justice and mercy. The problem is that one person I discussed this with, when asked what they thought about during the act responded with the answer, 'Nothing really - I just do it!' 

How on earth do you follow that? 

There's no sexual sin broken - because there isn't one!

There's no lustful thoughts - so Matthew 5 is tossed away!

This was, for them, no different to scratching and itch, until they became a Christian and then it became something so very big and damaging because of the way the person who had asked the question, when truthfully answered, responded!

How can we respond to that other than to ascertain whether the act has the a detrimental effect on the person because it is:

Compulsive - you won't need glasses or a razor, but you might need some support because of any underlying roots for the behaviour. Always good to gently check this.

Causing marital stress - I have met people of both sexes who by engaging in solo sex acts (I'm not keen on the labels 'self-abuse' or 'pleasuring oneself') have reduced the sexual activity (or even in one case caused it to cease completely) with their partner. 

Dependence on pornography: This is where our problems (and sinful action) really start to bite as Matthew 5 comes back into the equation. If the spur or promoting action is pornography then you are on a very slippery road for, in my experience, the thought life is not only affected but the physical life is affected too. Many of those caught up in the pornography trap that I have met end up engaged in some sexual transgression involving a third party if married or another single person (followed by another and another and ...) if single.

The problem is, like alcohol, the level of indulgence and the brand of choice and the images before you have within it it an escalation and the journey from bare breasts to something much less savoury is but a slippery step into damnation and worse! Worse because some of those I have met who have dabbled with 'soft' porn have found themselves in a hard cell as they sought to act out their fantasies!

No, not everyone who engages in porn will end up a sex offender, but the mind of those who do is changed as the level of pornography and the images and the levels of exposure to it to satisfy escalate. Better not to walk in to lion's cage rather than enter and wonder what the fuss was about, 'Well I'm in the cage and I can't see a Li...!'

Lust: And here we have the big issue. Lust can come out of the pornography but it can also be the root that leads people into pornography too.

Over the years I have counselled couples to, 'Get on with it and get married rather than engage in sexual activity before they married.' The sexual desire for each other was such that they were on fire inwardly with their passions and because they were heading to marriage anyway, they thought, 'What's the problem, we're going to get married, let's get it on!' The problem is that in some cases, the inability to get the whole relationship right before they married made the marriage a real battlefield. Better to square away the potential problem areas and enter a relationship with some degree of balance and control. Sometimes the sexual desire in one party pushed the other to agree with sex, and this is an even worse situation in my book.

If the desire to possess someone sexually causes you to engage in any activity, then there is something wrong and regardless of the act, there is something that needs to be dealt with. If we cannot control our thought life to the extent that we are controlled by it then we are heading for an existence of sexual sin and potentially societal correction (or exclusion).

If lust is present in the equation then you need to be honest with yourself, those who might be affected by it, and get yourself some help. Talk to someone and set about getting your thought-life sorted and squared away. Self-awareness and a proper response are always more desirable than those who will point the finger at you and simply condemn .

____________________________________________

When doing a psycho sexual counselling course, a lecturer made the observation that as Christians we should be glorifying God in everything that we do (1 Cor 10.31) and that a healthy, balanced and fulfilling sex life was part of that desired state. If our sexual encounters do not glorify God, if our thoughts do not glorify God, then we need to stop and sort it out.

Talking of her daughter's upcoming marriage, a woman who was well known for her opposition to nakedness and sex in the media shocked me when she said: 'Everything and anything goes in marriage, there is no wrong other than this: That you never abuse, misuse or demean yourself or your partner.'

Whether the issue is that of sex on your own or with another person, the guiding rules are that what we do is a right act (and there's often that niggle which confirm the fact that it isn't) done the right way (again, you know) with the right mindset (lust or love? Giving or getting or taking?)

So - right or wrong?

I'm not going to become one of those who will label you as saint or sinner but will pass the question back to you and then  be willing, should you say 'Sin' to simply help to 'restore you gently' - because that is what Christians are called to do, not offer condemnation.

A tough issue today - I hope the contents of this blog post are of some help and encouragement.

Pax

Church as a place: of Safety

It seems to me that one of the most important things that being Church brings is safety and this comes about in a number of forms:

Safety to be honest about our problems because we know:

• We will be listened to

• We will be given time

• We will be helped to further identify and resolve those problems

• We will find respect, and

• We will not be condemned or ridiculed

Now whilst I'm sure many will read this and say, "Yeah, we all know that already,' I am certain that a good many others will find at least one of the points above has been missing from their experience of church somewhere and at sometime: And of course we all have, because Church (and church in the local sense) is made up of flawed and imperfect individuals.

Of late I have encountered a number of people, near and far, who have engaged me in conversation and during it has voiced their sadness at the way they have been treated by others in the club we know as Church. I wish I could say that it was limited to leaders or people with some degree of authority but in fact it seems to me that perhaps we are all, across the board, becoming just a little less tolerant and a lot more impatient.

I made this comment to a church leader (they weren't CofE so for once I can breath a limited sigh of relief) and their response was, 'Well, they're just so demanding. They want your time and want you to listen to them and then want you to make their problems go away and I don't have the time for all that!' Sadly they weren't that impressed by my response to their response, because I merely pointed out that if they weren't there do do that then what did they think their role was?

What followed was a litany of 'I have to ...' and you know what, they didn't have to at all, the problem came from the fact that they were not only a blinking control freak but they also functioned as the lord of all they surveyed - running their little club as a fiefdom when some were granted rights and privileges whilst others were merely pew-fodder and their to be commanded and controlled. But I must be getting better for I merely smiled and left them to all that work they have to do - but sadly, one of their members I met have decided that they should do that too and have joined another (still not CofE) club elsewhere.

Now I know that we all have people around us who want time and a listening ear but never respond to advice.

I know that there are always people who have opinions and want things to be done differently - and perhaps if they wanted to 'do' the things done differently in the different way they wanted them to be done rather than merely criticise and make their demands they'd find life was a different reality for them too!

I am also all too aware that there are those who continue to do really silly things (and claim it was satan what made them do it perhaps?) and continue to repeat their mistakes at an alarming rate and sometimes increasing intensity - BUT - we have to make our churches safe and this means getting priorities right:

People are the most important thing we have in church and even if this means that we invest hours in them only to see them leave - it is right that we did it, and right that we do it again for the next person.

I'd rather have  a 'worship band' that sounds like Des O'Connor and a church (for Church = people) that purred like a Rolls Royce than the other way round - for I know which of the two blesses God.

Rather than keep looking for church growth and seeking the lost (and attractive to those in other churches) we need to concentration on shepherding our flock for this is where real Church is to be found and it also results in retention. Bringing them in is relatively simple - it's the keeping them that takes the work and if you aren't prepared to do that work - then you need to be prepared to lose them: And send them with a blessing!

A friend recently said of my blog that it was a place where I often appeared 'to have a cob on' and they wondered how people read what I wrote without 'chucking a brick through my window' (verbally rather than physically). Now I have to admit that I'm rarely angry when I write this stuff - it's merely a five/ten minute dialogue internally - the physical evidence of an inner struggle, consideration or 'trying to make sense of' moment.

I don't write to lecture - but as a 'memo to self' which I invite others to read and consider and offer correction, advice, pity or prayer - but if it touches a nerve, inflames a passion or gets you going too, them I am doubly-blessed.

Church is a great place - it's only some of the people in it that make it a pain,

Church is a bigger pain when the people who make it so are those who lead.

So if you're a leader - how are you doing?

Ask your members ;-)

phew - nine minutes - keyboard's smoking and I'm off to early communion, funerals, school assemblies and a couple of meetings and whatever else the day brings - please pray for those who lead, we're not always sitting indoors with our feet up :-)

Love is a dish best served ...

Faithfully!

Recently I have found myself engaged in dealing with a number of incidents where 'love' has been replaced by vitriol, spitefulness and rancour. Relationships have soured and many things have conspired to bring actions and words together with the intention of hurting others. The sad thing is that those who have acted thus appear to have not only achieved their goal but have also, somehow, become part of the collateral damage from their actions as well.

The Bible tells us that those who dig a pit for others are destined to fall into it themselves (Proverbs 26). Those who seek to wound others might achieve their goal but when the target of their hatred has long gone, the melody lingers on and they are not only damaged but find themselves unable to engage in secure or fulfilling relationships ever again. They blame the person who has gone and the more the estranged combatant appears to be be successful and happy  in their post-them life the greater their pain.

We live in a world where people want revenge rather than justice and appear to put more energy into the destruction of relationships than the maintenance or restoration of them and this is wrong. I see people excuse, and accept, the breakdown of relationships amongst their friends with not a thought to encouraging the couples to reconcile and resolve. The ease at which relationships are entered and left and the speed at which some join together and then break apart is something that speaks of a worrying lack of fidelity and commitment.

I often find myself using a formulaic explanation of what marriage (and non-married but cohabitational relationships - so you're not off the hook because you're not married) should be about. I call it the 'F Plan Diet' and it goes like this (perhaps I should (c) it :-)  ):

FAITH - regardless of what has happened, you need to keep faith with one another - to trust and believe in the other person and even when this is difficult, to find a way through the situation to restore the belief.

FACTS - The reality is that once you are together, you are together. If this is a a married relationship then regardless - you are married and this brings some serious elements of commitment, sacrifice and engagement.

FEELINGS - Feelings are the most easily manipulated of all the things that influence our relationships and attitudes. Often they bear little relation to the facts and are often fuelled by well-meaning (and sometimes not so well-meaning) friends, misunderstandings, selfishness and a host of other factors (tired, drunk, absence and the like). When the feelings conspire to damage or break a relationship - or to bring a third-party into the mix - refer to the two points above!

FORGIVENESS - The Bible tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. If there's a problem then discuss it and bring about some resolution and reconciliation before you go to bed, for if you don't you'll wake up to a worse situation! Forgiveness requires us to put ourselves in the other person's shoes and the other person to do the same and to repent (Turn away from, stop, accept that their actions were wrong) and bring about a restoration.

FELLOWSHIP - The Bible tells us to 'love our nearest neighbour as our ourselves' and the person with whom we are in a relationship is that 'nearest neighbour' (and the act of sexual congress makes us 'one flesh' too). Being in fellowship - doing things together, sharing interests (yes, even going shopping!) is not just important but is the very glue of a relationship (and you perhaps thought it was merely the sex!).

FRUIT - The Bible says that the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5) is:
'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.'

Having these attributes in our life (individually and corporately) can only be good - after all, theyt are all highly desireable (aren't they?).

FUN - Regardless of how much money you have, or how much work you have, there are always way that you can have fun TOGETHER!

So many relationships appear to fall because of the many nights out with friends and the few out with you partner or at home. Relationships take time and need fun - when we were married and broke (still are) we used to walk along the river bank and feed the ducks - the important thing was that we were together and enjoying each other and the place we were in. So here's a quick outline - the people I have spoken to this past week will hopefully find something within it to build their relationships and mend the broken bits, this is my hope and prayer for you :-)

Ace pre-marriage counselling - No.1

Don't argue with your wife!

The male version will follow shortly ;-)