Been a different day from the norm, probably because it was set aside for study, prep and admin? That said, I was doing a wedding rehearsal this evening, not one of my more common services. As ever the run through worked easily - not lost a Bride yet - and the joy of knowing the couple and having a relationship with them and the family made it quite special.
Funerals have slowed down now such that I'm about to hit what I think is the thirtieth the of the year and there are a few baptisms on the horizon too. Occasional offices are sometimes more frequent than the name suggests.
I'm enjoying a return to writing theological material and the slow progress being made in trying to find some more postgrad and the frustrations this brings have been out aside for a bit. Mind you, I need to call in the support people to work through my daily hours and help me rationalise things to get more study and prayer as i have become so busy that I'm doing nothing other than keep the wheels spinning. the irony here is that I used to work with people on this and now I find myself doing so much that I'm doing nothing. A tough place to be found residing.
The week past fits the pattern many experience, especially the fact that we knock ourselves out getting stuff in place before we have time off and then, upon our return, find ourselves hammering through work to catch up because we were away. A colleague told me that I needed to aim for something between thirty-eight and forty-two hours a week as this game space for the crises but provided time to live in. Failing (happily rather than miserably) at this at the moment, but the goal is gradual change so that by the time I hit the end of September I might be running somewhere near.
The odd thing about the time thing is the fact that although I wear many hats, the demand placed by them is minimal really - a service here, another there, the occasional meeting. the same is true of time for personal study and private prayer - prayer is trickling along at about seven hours a week, but this is a 'cat's lick and a promise' fulfilled by my daily office routine. So watch this space Lord, although those who know me will shake their heads in anticipation of a failed attempt - I'm heading for the things that matter.
But rather than a promise for the future I look to the day of promise that has passed and give You praise for all it has contained.
I thank You for the people I have met - especially Stephanie who needs a touch from You for the growth on her foot - and for the many, unmanned, but loved people I have encountered on the journey today.
Lord, help me to do more and to find the still waters.
Showing posts with label occasional offices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label occasional offices. Show all posts
Friday, 28 April 2017
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Funerals - more than just a 'service'
One of the most important roles we have in our ministerial life is that of funerals. To play a part in the last opportunity people will have to be physically present in the same place as a loved one is a great privilege and a potential nightmare unless care is taken, and thankfully it usually is.
One of the greatest blessings I have heard of was the cleric who received a visit from a family member who come to say that they'd never realised who the deceased really was until they'd heard their life story contextualised by them. How cool is that - and what an example of what it is that we who do funerals should be aiming for.
One of the biggest challenges comes in the form of note-taking and this is not always easy. The prospect of a grieving wife whose sum total of information regarding her lost husband came down to: 'He was my husband!' So what are you going to do with that? After all, the people at the service will be expecting more in any eulogy than, 'Here's nnnn, he was nnnn's husband (and potentially someone's father and grandfather too)!' It's not often that the twenty minutes afforded in a Crematorium is enough to do a life justice is enough but to find it's far too much is an even greater nightmare.
The answer is simple - you play detective. You knock on doors, find workmates, members of the same clubs and you dig. And yes, I know that takes time, but what else do we have but time when it comes to a pastoral need? You take the bob - you do the job - simple, innit?
The little details are all too often the biggest points on which memories are hung and so nothing is too small or irrelevant. A 'for instance' has to be the passing comment about the wartime church organist and the funny way they played a popular tune as the couple left the church after their marriage. A piece of gold amongst what the family thought of as 'Gran's ramblings' that led to the family leaving to that tune that meant nothing to them and allowed a woman who had been snatched by Alzheimer's to be reached by the service.
Whilst music is on the menu, it's probably worth a mention that regardless of our own preferences, the family's choice is usually what you go with. I know this can be a but dodgy; after all I'm the bloke who found himself standing by a coffin, curtains closing, as a Gangsta rap tune assaulted our ears! Not bad for an eighty something, turned out that the great grandson had changed it because he and the dear departed used to listen to it together - aargh! There are some limits but we advise and comply.
Hopefully those who read this find so etching if value in it and for those I've been discussing the issue of funerals, I hope it draws things together a little more.
One of the greatest blessings I have heard of was the cleric who received a visit from a family member who come to say that they'd never realised who the deceased really was until they'd heard their life story contextualised by them. How cool is that - and what an example of what it is that we who do funerals should be aiming for.
One of the biggest challenges comes in the form of note-taking and this is not always easy. The prospect of a grieving wife whose sum total of information regarding her lost husband came down to: 'He was my husband!' So what are you going to do with that? After all, the people at the service will be expecting more in any eulogy than, 'Here's nnnn, he was nnnn's husband (and potentially someone's father and grandfather too)!' It's not often that the twenty minutes afforded in a Crematorium is enough to do a life justice is enough but to find it's far too much is an even greater nightmare.
The answer is simple - you play detective. You knock on doors, find workmates, members of the same clubs and you dig. And yes, I know that takes time, but what else do we have but time when it comes to a pastoral need? You take the bob - you do the job - simple, innit?
The little details are all too often the biggest points on which memories are hung and so nothing is too small or irrelevant. A 'for instance' has to be the passing comment about the wartime church organist and the funny way they played a popular tune as the couple left the church after their marriage. A piece of gold amongst what the family thought of as 'Gran's ramblings' that led to the family leaving to that tune that meant nothing to them and allowed a woman who had been snatched by Alzheimer's to be reached by the service.
Whilst music is on the menu, it's probably worth a mention that regardless of our own preferences, the family's choice is usually what you go with. I know this can be a but dodgy; after all I'm the bloke who found himself standing by a coffin, curtains closing, as a Gangsta rap tune assaulted our ears! Not bad for an eighty something, turned out that the great grandson had changed it because he and the dear departed used to listen to it together - aargh! There are some limits but we advise and comply.
Hopefully those who read this find so etching if value in it and for those I've been discussing the issue of funerals, I hope it draws things together a little more.
What's the worst / best / weirdest music you've had at a funeral service?
Thursday, 8 August 2013
Boating - A truly Wet Witness
Yesterday I found myself engaged in a couple of most interesting conversations regarding funerals and the high workload of clergy. The former focused on how the person 'up the front' could make or break a funeral and the latter was located on the large amount of work many priests get through in their daily rounds.
Interestingly, for me at least, there was a very high degree of respect and admiration for those who live out their calling to be engaged in this priesthood business and it was good to hear people from a place not my own talk about encounters and perceptions. To hear of how much of a part clergy play in their communities and how visible they are, even to those who might not be part of the Church, was a great encouragement indeed.
The funeral piece was interesting, for me at least, in that it mentioned the need to be well grounded in who the person being dispatched was and the fact that humour was regarded as perhaps the second most essential element - in a balanced and appropriate way of course - of the whole proceedings.
It is always a challenge to know how to react whilst on a funeral visit and it's not until one walks through that door that the right level is to be found; some being sombre or tearful whilst others are gentle and even lighthearted whilst some are almost riotous and in danger of becoming a full blown party. The being invited into the presence of someone who has lost their partner of sixty plus years and finding a pragmatic and 'doing it the right way approach' can just as easily be a tearful and almost toxic grief experience; for no two people grieve exactly the same - no two families handle their loss in exactly the same way.
'What makes a funeral work is ending on a high and with a birth of a laugh and a smile,' said my companion.
That a funeral is not the end and that there is a resurrection to come - that a person is never a 'was' and is always an 'is' - that Jesus died and rose again - can there be a better high than that?
Pax
Interestingly, for me at least, there was a very high degree of respect and admiration for those who live out their calling to be engaged in this priesthood business and it was good to hear people from a place not my own talk about encounters and perceptions. To hear of how much of a part clergy play in their communities and how visible they are, even to those who might not be part of the Church, was a great encouragement indeed.
The funeral piece was interesting, for me at least, in that it mentioned the need to be well grounded in who the person being dispatched was and the fact that humour was regarded as perhaps the second most essential element - in a balanced and appropriate way of course - of the whole proceedings.
It is always a challenge to know how to react whilst on a funeral visit and it's not until one walks through that door that the right level is to be found; some being sombre or tearful whilst others are gentle and even lighthearted whilst some are almost riotous and in danger of becoming a full blown party. The being invited into the presence of someone who has lost their partner of sixty plus years and finding a pragmatic and 'doing it the right way approach' can just as easily be a tearful and almost toxic grief experience; for no two people grieve exactly the same - no two families handle their loss in exactly the same way.
'What makes a funeral work is ending on a high and with a birth of a laugh and a smile,' said my companion.
That a funeral is not the end and that there is a resurrection to come - that a person is never a 'was' and is always an 'is' - that Jesus died and rose again - can there be a better high than that?
Pax
Sunday, 5 May 2013
A couple of Bible explanations . . .
Which really made me smile:
'Jesus made the lame walk'
'Stopping to think of that statement for a moment I realise that's not really news, after all London Transport do that on a daily basis!'
'Jesus only had male disciples'
'Reason: Jesus found it really tough to get women to go along with Him, after all, most men they meet think they're God's gift to the world!'
And then they made me think:
About the lack of ability to smile, laugh or otherwise enjoy themselves that some Christians have.
I once remarked, in a service, that I thought the swallowing camels and straining at gnats was one of the funniest things Jesus could say to the stiff, hard-line, Pharisaical types and after the service, the same people Jesus was talking about came up and gave me some stick:
'Jesus wasn't a comedian, he didn't tell jokes and make funny comments! . . . . There's nothing funny about being a Christian (well, not in your church, that's true!) . . . . There's no place for being 'funny' in church . . . . ' and on they went, confirming the very first impression I got when I entered.
They had joy, but it was buried so deep down under ritual and appearance and structure and . . well I'm sure you know what I mean (because you've either experienced it or are it!); and this is the problem for so many people outside the Church too. They come into contact with a bunch of joyless, lifeless and hopeless (aside from the that one eternal hope of course) people and don't come back.
Mind you, a few years back I mentioned that I liked to keep the baptism services light and free-moving. The response to this (from someone who surprised me with it) was, 'Oh, you're one of those 'Gameshow Host' clergy who are there to entertain rather than act as a Priest then are you?'
The words wounded, for I was not, and am not, one of them at all (but I now know some who are and so can understand his views!!). To write off everything that I was doing in the baptism so easily and so lightly started a journey that took just about every bit of respect I had for the man as I saw him sweep away the legs of some he was supposed to be mentoring time and time again. So I watched him and realised that when the internal pain was high, so too was the pain for others. His verbal scything of others was merely a reaction to his own pain and lack of progression and soon led me to a place of prayer and sadness for him.
The reality was that in being welcoming and making the 'domestics' light, telling families not to fight with their children during the service; that some noise was inevitable and all the other stuff was the right way - a draconian set of instructions and and an unwelcoming first impression would have set the scene for the rest of the service.
The fact that I explain that baptism is more than a wet witness and explain the place and purpose of oil, water, flame and the Jewish and Jesus links to it: This is right and fitting, for we probably engage with more unchurched and dechurched people in the baptism service that any other occasional office we have.
If we can't make church fun without losing the story, Jesus the man and people *the Church) in context then we have become extremely sad indeed. If there's no joy in our services and no laughter in our sermons, then the game is up and all we are doing is looking after buildings until such time they can be made into carpet warehouses and heritage centres.
If we don't have love and life in all it's fullness;
If we are not partying regularly and living as family;
Then we are doomed - because it's not just what we say but the way that we say it!
A final comment that made me smile (and can be adapted for any place or people group - also works well with Australia and France ;-) (Sorry Marty)
'Yorkshire - A county so beautiful that God filled it with Yorkshiremen to make people feel so much better about living somewhere else'
Happy Sunday - He is Risen!
'Jesus made the lame walk'
'Stopping to think of that statement for a moment I realise that's not really news, after all London Transport do that on a daily basis!'
'Jesus only had male disciples'
'Reason: Jesus found it really tough to get women to go along with Him, after all, most men they meet think they're God's gift to the world!'
And then they made me think:
About the lack of ability to smile, laugh or otherwise enjoy themselves that some Christians have.
I once remarked, in a service, that I thought the swallowing camels and straining at gnats was one of the funniest things Jesus could say to the stiff, hard-line, Pharisaical types and after the service, the same people Jesus was talking about came up and gave me some stick:
'Jesus wasn't a comedian, he didn't tell jokes and make funny comments! . . . . There's nothing funny about being a Christian (well, not in your church, that's true!) . . . . There's no place for being 'funny' in church . . . . ' and on they went, confirming the very first impression I got when I entered.
They had joy, but it was buried so deep down under ritual and appearance and structure and . . well I'm sure you know what I mean (because you've either experienced it or are it!); and this is the problem for so many people outside the Church too. They come into contact with a bunch of joyless, lifeless and hopeless (aside from the that one eternal hope of course) people and don't come back.
Mind you, a few years back I mentioned that I liked to keep the baptism services light and free-moving. The response to this (from someone who surprised me with it) was, 'Oh, you're one of those 'Gameshow Host' clergy who are there to entertain rather than act as a Priest then are you?'
The words wounded, for I was not, and am not, one of them at all (but I now know some who are and so can understand his views!!). To write off everything that I was doing in the baptism so easily and so lightly started a journey that took just about every bit of respect I had for the man as I saw him sweep away the legs of some he was supposed to be mentoring time and time again. So I watched him and realised that when the internal pain was high, so too was the pain for others. His verbal scything of others was merely a reaction to his own pain and lack of progression and soon led me to a place of prayer and sadness for him.
The reality was that in being welcoming and making the 'domestics' light, telling families not to fight with their children during the service; that some noise was inevitable and all the other stuff was the right way - a draconian set of instructions and and an unwelcoming first impression would have set the scene for the rest of the service.
The fact that I explain that baptism is more than a wet witness and explain the place and purpose of oil, water, flame and the Jewish and Jesus links to it: This is right and fitting, for we probably engage with more unchurched and dechurched people in the baptism service that any other occasional office we have.
If we can't make church fun without losing the story, Jesus the man and people *the Church) in context then we have become extremely sad indeed. If there's no joy in our services and no laughter in our sermons, then the game is up and all we are doing is looking after buildings until such time they can be made into carpet warehouses and heritage centres.
If we don't have love and life in all it's fullness;
If we are not partying regularly and living as family;
Then we are doomed - because it's not just what we say but the way that we say it!
A final comment that made me smile (and can be adapted for any place or people group - also works well with Australia and France ;-) (Sorry Marty)
'Yorkshire - A county so beautiful that God filled it with Yorkshiremen to make people feel so much better about living somewhere else'
Happy Sunday - He is Risen!
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
All the lonely people - where do we meet them all?
Met a couple of people today who were living on their own and had neither family nor, apparently, friends which meant that the only contact they had with other people was gained through being in public places. Of course being around people merely meant that they were still effectively isolated but were now isolated in company!
What a sad state of affairs.
What made the situation sadder was that they saw me and recognised me as being a dogcollar (I'd done funerals for friends and family members) and this permissioned them to engage with me.
What was ironic was that the link I provided for them; both knew me and had lost someone they cared about with me as the person doing the service. Talk about wiping hands as one walks from the grave and lonely people!
The reality is that the church (local) touches people through occasional offices and the most common of these is, of course, the funeral service.
Assuming the average funeral attracts an average of forty people then I have come into contact with around 20,000 people which means that (assuming a population of 80,000) that I have come into contact with around twenty percent of the local population (assuming five percent of my funeral contacts travelled from elsewhere).
The bottom line is that funerals open doors and help the church build relationships which potentially can translate into something deeper. I'm beginning to sense a correlation between time in one place ministering and the number of people one might come into contact with through the occasional offices and effective ministry.
I was at a seminar a couple of years back where it was suggested that effective church ministry only began in the seventh or eight year - something that casts a sad light on the three to five year stays that some clergy have in a place - and which makes sense.
Consider for instance a small town (which will remain nameless) with a 15,000 population. One of the statistics I've found for this place (and lost the page relating to!!) indicates that it would be fair to assume around thirty church-related funerals a year in the area.
If the average of forty people attending each funeral holds true as a constant (and I have no idea whether it does or not and that's before we consider constant variable averages!) then eight years in the area would mean that the church had come into contact with over half of the population (would be nearer two-thirds before travelling attendees and I'm assuming more would travel because of the demographics of the place).
Today's encounters have started me thinking - who knows where it will end? Could be totally off the wall (no change there) but it could also be a path that needs to be looked at and mapped too!
Pax
Time for bed - St Francis' big day tomorrow and so a patronal Eucharist at 09:30 to bless the faithful and unite the lost :-)
What a sad state of affairs.
What made the situation sadder was that they saw me and recognised me as being a dogcollar (I'd done funerals for friends and family members) and this permissioned them to engage with me.
What was ironic was that the link I provided for them; both knew me and had lost someone they cared about with me as the person doing the service. Talk about wiping hands as one walks from the grave and lonely people!
The reality is that the church (local) touches people through occasional offices and the most common of these is, of course, the funeral service.
Assuming the average funeral attracts an average of forty people then I have come into contact with around 20,000 people which means that (assuming a population of 80,000) that I have come into contact with around twenty percent of the local population (assuming five percent of my funeral contacts travelled from elsewhere).
The bottom line is that funerals open doors and help the church build relationships which potentially can translate into something deeper. I'm beginning to sense a correlation between time in one place ministering and the number of people one might come into contact with through the occasional offices and effective ministry.
I was at a seminar a couple of years back where it was suggested that effective church ministry only began in the seventh or eight year - something that casts a sad light on the three to five year stays that some clergy have in a place - and which makes sense.
Consider for instance a small town (which will remain nameless) with a 15,000 population. One of the statistics I've found for this place (and lost the page relating to!!) indicates that it would be fair to assume around thirty church-related funerals a year in the area.
If the average of forty people attending each funeral holds true as a constant (and I have no idea whether it does or not and that's before we consider constant variable averages!) then eight years in the area would mean that the church had come into contact with over half of the population (would be nearer two-thirds before travelling attendees and I'm assuming more would travel because of the demographics of the place).
Today's encounters have started me thinking - who knows where it will end? Could be totally off the wall (no change there) but it could also be a path that needs to be looked at and mapped too!
Pax
Time for bed - St Francis' big day tomorrow and so a patronal Eucharist at 09:30 to bless the faithful and unite the lost :-)
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Occasional Offices - Hatch, Match & Despatch
It's nearly eight am and, daily office done and dusted (so now we're both up!), I begin to prepare for an early wedding. Looking at the league tables I see that weddings are lying a poor second to funerals but were still way ahead ahead of baptisms when we hit the halfway mark for 2012.
I think we often miss the fact that the occasional offices are more than just something we 'have to do'. I meet clergy who grumble when someone has the temerity to encroach upon their 'day off'. I meet others who do the service without any wedding preparation ("What's the point, they're only coming for the building?") and, by virtue of their lack of engagement, find in weddings a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Actually, weddings are a happy moment. The white dress, the shine of the shotgun, the dressing-up and so many other things conspire to make this a 'special day' for the punters and with just a bit of work on our (the DogCollars) part it could be even more special. It could be the pin in the map of life that marks step one in relationships between the couple and God. Not only that some of the things we tell and teach in preparation and the way we sell the Church (even though we give it away for free there is still marketing to be done!) in the interface with those coming all add up to either a warm feeling or a closed door.
The same is true of funerals for in them we find the potential for the development of real relationships as we become someones neighbour when they are in need. The trouble is that I know some who have two funeral sheets; one for 'believers' and the other for 'the lost'. I know so many clergy who offer nothing outside their rigidly structured service. Funerals are, for me, the best part of the job and I reckon that to do one well takes upwards of half a day when the visiting, preparing and doing (not including post-service involvement when required or VAT). When I said this to a bunch of people recently they told me it was, "Half and hour in the undertakers, half an hour in the crem/church/graveside - job done!" If this is the reality is it any wonder people pay for those who are other than clergy to give them what they want in a service? Seems we don't even manage to bring God into it (and I have listened to more than a few by arriving half an hour early for my slot at the Crem') so what's the point of having us do their services for Him or them?
And of course there's baptisms. That wonderful service that every time brings surprise from the family when you tell them, "No charge - God's grace is free!" So why is it when I ask about baptism prep' the answer is (almost) always in the negative? The rite of initiation is something that needs to be taken seriously (as do all the offices) but also need to be customer-facing, friendly and taking the opportunity for engagement. So why the hell don't we take these opportunities?
Here's a raft of things I encounter from talking to other clergy about their offices:
Baptismal preparation is often left out because people don't come.
We don't do baptismal preparation because the families don't like it.
People go somewhere else when we tell them they need to come for three months before we will baptise.
We ask baptism families to do an Alpha.
I just get the sheet and do the funeral with that and the words I ask the family for regarding the deceased.
I try not to do weddings as they take up my Saturdays and no one ever come back.
We don't do wedding preparation because they've already got loads of kids from other relationships.
I usually meet my wedding couple for the first time on the Friday before, the office do all the paperwork and meet them to arrange the service.
I never see any of the baptism couples again.
I never see any of my wedding couples again.
I never see any of my funeral families again.
Discuss
I think we often miss the fact that the occasional offices are more than just something we 'have to do'. I meet clergy who grumble when someone has the temerity to encroach upon their 'day off'. I meet others who do the service without any wedding preparation ("What's the point, they're only coming for the building?") and, by virtue of their lack of engagement, find in weddings a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Actually, weddings are a happy moment. The white dress, the shine of the shotgun, the dressing-up and so many other things conspire to make this a 'special day' for the punters and with just a bit of work on our (the DogCollars) part it could be even more special. It could be the pin in the map of life that marks step one in relationships between the couple and God. Not only that some of the things we tell and teach in preparation and the way we sell the Church (even though we give it away for free there is still marketing to be done!) in the interface with those coming all add up to either a warm feeling or a closed door.
The same is true of funerals for in them we find the potential for the development of real relationships as we become someones neighbour when they are in need. The trouble is that I know some who have two funeral sheets; one for 'believers' and the other for 'the lost'. I know so many clergy who offer nothing outside their rigidly structured service. Funerals are, for me, the best part of the job and I reckon that to do one well takes upwards of half a day when the visiting, preparing and doing (not including post-service involvement when required or VAT). When I said this to a bunch of people recently they told me it was, "Half and hour in the undertakers, half an hour in the crem/church/graveside - job done!" If this is the reality is it any wonder people pay for those who are other than clergy to give them what they want in a service? Seems we don't even manage to bring God into it (and I have listened to more than a few by arriving half an hour early for my slot at the Crem') so what's the point of having us do their services for Him or them?
And of course there's baptisms. That wonderful service that every time brings surprise from the family when you tell them, "No charge - God's grace is free!" So why is it when I ask about baptism prep' the answer is (almost) always in the negative? The rite of initiation is something that needs to be taken seriously (as do all the offices) but also need to be customer-facing, friendly and taking the opportunity for engagement. So why the hell don't we take these opportunities?
Here's a raft of things I encounter from talking to other clergy about their offices:
Baptismal preparation is often left out because people don't come.
We don't do baptismal preparation because the families don't like it.
People go somewhere else when we tell them they need to come for three months before we will baptise.
We ask baptism families to do an Alpha.
I just get the sheet and do the funeral with that and the words I ask the family for regarding the deceased.
I try not to do weddings as they take up my Saturdays and no one ever come back.
We don't do wedding preparation because they've already got loads of kids from other relationships.
I usually meet my wedding couple for the first time on the Friday before, the office do all the paperwork and meet them to arrange the service.
I never see any of the baptism couples again.
I never see any of my wedding couples again.
I never see any of my funeral families again.
Discuss
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