Made me Laugh - by Gove!

I have to say that the bloke can't be as woeful as the (so very many) people around me seem to think he is, but seeing the image alone did make me laugh out loud - five out of five.

Hope it does the same for you:

Caption Contest (no.2)

Here's an image to ponder and get the grey cells moving on.

Still letting the other run but promised that I'd do a weekly Monday contest spot - so here it is:

 

Go on - you know you have something to say about it!

Twenty-Five Christian Chat-Up Lines

Having seen these in and around the internet I thought I needed to share them with the wider world. So here they are are, twenty-five of the very best (or should that be worst) Christian chat-up lines:

1.  "I was reading the book of Numbers last night and then I realised, I don’t have yours."

2.  "Hey, I’m Will. God’s will." (Tip: Your name should actually be Will)

3.  "You put the “stud” in bible study."

4. "Now I know why Solomon had seven hundred wives… He never met you!"

5.  "I didn’t know angels flew this low."

6. "I’m no Joseph, maybe you can help me interpreting the dreams I’ve been having about you?"

7. "Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside of you?"

8. "Is your name Faith? ‘Cause you’re the substance of things I’ve hoped for."

9. "How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?"

10. "I didn’t believe in predestination until tonight."

11.  "Is this the transfiguration? because you are glowing."

12. "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead."

13. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."

14. "Let me sell you an indulgence because it’s a sin to look as good as you do."

15. "Me. You. Song of Songs: the remix.”

16. "Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"

17. "Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?"

18. "What’s your name and number so I can add you to my “prayer” list?"

19. "I just want you to know, I’m praying for you… No, I’m praying 'FOR' you."

20. "Here’s my number… Call me if you need prayer."

21. "I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together."

22. "You're amazing Grace - How would you like to save a wretch like me?"
(Tip: Her name should really be Grace!)

23. "You know the Bible tells us to greet one another with a holy kiss - You don't get holier than the gift of tongues!"

24. "Are you O.K. my Angel? You weren't hurt when you fell down from heaven."

25. "You can stop praying, I'm here!"

And some additions to bring it up to forty:

26. "I'd happily let you be the thorn in my side."

27.  "Obviously you've never had lamb's blood smeared on you because I simply cannot pass over you."

28. "The Bible tells us to give drink to the thirsty and food to the hungry. As a good Christian I think I should buy you dinner."

29. "You're someone who makes me want to be a better Christian."

30. "Great Bible case."

31. "I used to believe in natural theology until I met you but you've made me believe in divine revelation."

32. "How do you feel about being part of my Purpose Driven Life?"

33. "My parents are hone, Would you like to come back for a coffee?"

34. "I'd love to go out on Wednesday but I run the children's work - I just love children, don't you?"

35. "I'd part the Red Sea for you."

36. "Didn't I see you at the 11:00?

37. "I get the feeling that God is putting us together."

38. "We're like loaves and fishes - together we might just make something miraculous happen!"

39. "Would you like to come over and watch 'Left Behind'?

40. "I'd buy you a coffee but I've just given my last bit of money to a beggar, how about a walk?"

Thanks to revivallifestyle.com for another good post (and thechurchsofa.co.uk  (and Underground Pewster too) for posting many of them too.

Who says Christians don't have a sense of humour or fun?

Happy Wednesday

Toddler Ten Commandments

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If it’s in your hand, but I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If I wish I’d had it a little while ago, it's mine.

6. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

7. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

8. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

9. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours. Unless you want it, then it’s mine again

Explaining the Trinity

This most amazingly funny and informative video is the work of 'The Lutheran Satire' whom you will find on Youtube and many other places (well worth a visit and a vote).

Here were have the panacea to all those awful analogies you will be presented with on Trinity Sunday (but with something to make you smile too):

Enjoy

@LutheranSatire

(perhaps) Clergy ARE a bit bumbly - Part two

Wonderful story emailed in to me - which I will share here.

"My training incumbent was one of those people who thought they were a legend in their own lunchtime. Everything that did was perfect and everything they said was without need of correction. Wee that's what they thought anyway.

One day they had volunteered to do something for one of the diocesan training events and were going to speak on one of their many pet subjects, this one being that of 'all-member ministry'. Accordingly they set off for a church at the other end of the diocese where they would be sharing the platform with diocesan staff and the bishop. This was the beginning of something really big as it meant a major stage and the right people seeing them.

They had been working on their piece for ages and had powerpoint, handouts and an all-sing, all-dancing question and answers session. This was for them their night on 'The Diocese Has Talent' and were at last about to be discovered as the talent that they were.

So off they went and about half way into the journey realised they had forgotten their laptop and so they returned for it and sped off for a second time. Arriving at the place they couldn't find a parking spot near and so, having finally managed to park, rushed into the church building and took a seat. They were a little surprised to see no screen or projector but undaunted by this they sat and waited for the start of the thing. After about fifteen minutes someone appeared and ask them to introduce themselves and looking at my incumbent, invited them to start by introducing themselves, which they did. The next person stood up and introduced themselves and to a round of applause announced that they hadn't had a drink for two weeks.

Only then did they realise that they'd joined the local alcohol and drug user's support group - the meeting they wanted was in the parish hall behind the church!

Mind you they did make an impression because by the time they'd managed to explain their error and slip out they were some thirty minutes late :-)"

Thanks for this - I know a few who have arrived at the wrong place - will have to tell you a few Elim Pastor's stories later!

Dinner Graces

I am in the most privileged position of being invited to a number of dinners, albeit to do 'the grace', and as a result have to endure some of the most awful graces before the meal commences. It seems to me that all too often we are subjected to the most awful doggerel and smug self-satisfied tosh masquerading as 'the grace'.

The last few I have been present at were attempts at being funny coupled with the words of two or three humour-filled graces, which were made into one. This was followed by the person giving the grace looking around (ooh, aren't I clever, witting or stupid?) for laughter, applause or some other sign of approval.

The problem is that being assigned 'the grace' is not an opportunity for the speaker to shine, but rather a privilege, and quite solemn duty, in that they are leading those gathered in communication with God (as He is perceived or otherwise)!

The last grace I had to endure consisted of an introduction to the evening (which the president had done at the greeting), followed by a cute rhyming ditty in honour of the evening, the speaker, and the evening followed by what I recognised as two humorous graces lumped together to make us all laugh even more. Having completed the task, the person 'praying' (I use the word advisedly) looked around for signs of approval, before sitting down. This wasn't 'Grace' - it was someone being the cabaret!

Thing to remember when doing 'the grace':

1. This is not the opportunity to demonstrate your skills in the creation of rhyming doggerel,

2. It is not an opportunity to poke fun at colleagues or make 'in' comments about whatever it is that you and your mates find funny in your own little world outside of the dinner,

3. It is not an opportunity or perform some hideous kowtowing or other ingratiating homage to the guest of honour,

4. It is not an open mike session in the 'puerile prune' stand-up comedy club.

What 'the grace' is:

1. It is an opportunity for the person saying 'Grace' to lead those present into a place of thanks and reflection for the fare that is being placed before them,

2. It is an opportunity to give thanks for the fellowship about to be had, and for those with whom it will be had,

3. It is an opportunity, especially in a military or veterans setting, to remember those who are serving: A place to remember those who have served and to give thanks for service and commitment, and

4. At the right time, and in the right place, it is an opportunity to give people the space to remember those who would once have been at table with you but are no longer here. It's a space for reflection - not eulogies. Do this wrong and you can destroy the whole evening!!

The grace can be delivered with humour and also be topical, but it in not the light entertainment before the meal, that is the place of the Jester, not the person saying grace.


Some graces are awful and need shooting (along with those who so enjoy reciting them?).

 An example of this probably being:
  "May we not be like porridge, cold and stodgy, but like Cornflakes, crisp and ready to serve! "

And of course there's that wonderful grace so loved by Air Force types:
 "God of goodness, bless our food, keep us in a pleasant mood.
   Bless the chef and all who serve us, and from indigestion, Lord, preserve us. Amen."

Or perhaps the classics (used often in so many places:) ):
"For well-filled plate and brimming cup, and freedom from the washing up.
  We thank you, Lord. Amen."

"For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful!"

There are a few good sources of graces. It is helpful to remember that in a service setting, collects and other prayers are also useful and fitting, to this end I have listed below a few sources of graces, collects and prayers such that you should never need to descend into the "For what we are about to receive fall back. "

Air Force Chaplain's Graces

Army Collects and other prayers

Naval Graces

I'd be more than happy to receive your best, and worst, examples of a dinner grace as those for whom this post is aimed could do with all the help they can get. I'm always happy to help people who need a grace and can't find one - just add a comment or email me (St Francis' link will lead you to me).

I've been asked to add a couple of less 'full on graces' for Christmas meals, so here they are:

Love brought Jesus to the stable and love brings us around this table,
As we share Christmas meal, may each and everyone here feel,
The Christmas presence that makes this, and God's blessing, ours today. Amen.

We're here to eat and we're not messing as we share this Christmas blessing,
So let's all drink and be merry not  worrying about our expanding bellies
For that is ours another day, so God bless and spare us all we pray! Amen.

Enjoy the privilege - take the role seriously - bon appetit!


Pax